Dancing in Darkness

smokey mountain - pier - divisoria

2011-10-23T21:32:00.000+08:00

nabitin ang tulog ko. kasi niyuyugyog na ako ng nanay ko at aalis daw ako kasama ang tatay ko. oo nga pala, kailangan ko nga sapatos para bukas.
alam ko namang aalis kami pero di ko naman inexpect na maaga pala. mga alas tres ng madaling araw ako nakatulog kasi may binabasa ako (hindi related sa studies whatsoever) so mabalik lang. ~~nagising ako~~ ginising ako ng around 6 am ng nanay ko. tapos gumayak na para sa paglisan. pero ang sabi nung una e dadaan muna kami sa pier. di na lang ako nagtanong kung bakit. basta nagpunta kami sa pier.
habang nasa byahe papuntang pier parang tour guide si tatay. "o dyan banda ninong jimmy ni (insert kapatid's name)" "ay mali dun pala banda lagpas na" , mayron ring "dun sa tabi ng dating petron na ngayon e ibang gasolinahan na yung restaurant na nagseserve ng pansit na paborito ng mommy mo." "dyan dati nakatira sila mommy mo, binenta yung bahay nila dun para mabili yung bahay sa ***** verde." "dito ako dati pumipila nung nagta-tricycle pa ako.."
maraming ala-ala. estranghero man sa akin pero nakikinig pa rin ako. kahit di ko masyadong maintindihan kasi maingay yung takbo ng jeep at marami ring maingay na katabi. (tinatanggal ko naman ang headphones ko kapag kinakausap ako ng tatay ko pramis). tapos nung may nakikita na akong mga parang daungan. humirit si tatay na malapit na daw kami sa pier. nalampasan na namin yung bagsakan ng mga isda na nagsusupply ng mga isda sa buong maynila sabi nya. tapos kaunting sulong ng jeep naamoy ko na yung halimuyak ng smokey mountain. napaka cliche siguro kung biglang tutugtog sa radio yung "paraiso" ng smokey mountain sa radio, kaso nga lang sa isip ko lang sya nagplay.
nung andun na kami sa pier, mahigit dalawang oras kaming naghihintay. wala pa pala yung kausap nya. nung dumating e hindi pa daw naibababa yung kargada mula sa barko kasi may inaantay pang signatory de juan na hindi pa rin nagpapakita simula kahapon. so ang siste, nagpunta na muna kami sa divisoria para bilhin yung kailangan kong sapatos.
isa sa mga natawa akong paguusap namin ng tatay ko ay nung may naikwento syang nangyari sa kanila nung nanay ko nung minsang naglalakad sila sa divisoria. bigla daw kasing may bumatok sa nanay ko. tapos nun just like magic nawala rin yung kwintas na suot nya! habang humahagulgol daw yung nanay ko e pinuntahan daw nila yung pamangkin ng tatay ko na pulis na dun nakadestino. pagtapos daw magsumbong may pinuntahang tomboy yung pulis. binatukan rin. "pati ang tiya ko tinalo" sabi daw ng pulis, tapos ayun naibalik yung kwintas ng nanay ko.
inabutan na kami ng ala una dun sa divisoria kaya kumain muna kami saglit tapos naglibot libot. nung pabalik na kami ulit sa pier ay inabutan kami ng ulan. ang saya lang. basang basa kami ng tatay ko kahit may payong kaming dala. hindi rin kinaya. buti na lang at waterproof ang bag na dala ko kaya dun ko nilagay yung cellphone ko at hindi nasira. yey.
at nakauwi kami ng mga bandang alas otso. kasi trapik.

art blog

2011-10-22T22:53:00.000+08:00

ohaithurr...

di man to bago sa mga nakakakilala sa akin, pero paminsan minsan hobby ko rin ang gumawa ng portrait sketch of sorts para mga kakilala ko at maging sa ilang taong hindi ko naman ganun kakilala..

so for now meron naman akong tumblr para dun pero at the same time gumawa rin ako ng art blog of sorts na inkversuspaper.blogspot.com

pakibisita, magiwan ng comment, at pakikalat parang butter sa tinapay. :)

materyal

2011-09-30T23:06:00.000+08:00

kailangan ko na ata ng bagong materyal para sa pagsusulat.
panibagong tema na magandang pagusapan.
pero siguro hindi naman yun mahalaga.
kung wala rin naman gustong bumasa.
mas makabubuti pa siguro yung ganito
konting tipa at lapat ng kwento
baka kinabukasan may maisip na bago
ng hindi naman puro pasintamang nagtatago

late

2011-09-25T12:18:00.000+08:00

better late than...you know, uhm you get the gist of it. i think by the time you read this or maybe not (for you have more pressing important matters than reading this shitty blog) i am not trying to make it sounds like it really need attention but whatever works for you right?

it is kind of a drag to notice much drama and dilemma happening all around you, for you can't help being affected by such moments. especially if it reminds you of your own dilemmas and it would make you wonder how it made you still cling on a thin thread of sanity that you think you have while other people barely make it and then they break down eventually.

hopefully i won't be a part of that bunch. i really hope i would. it would be all right. everything will be.
it may not be now, but yeah i know it will.

someday

sing song saknong

2011-09-22T13:09:00.000+08:00

sing

hawakan ang mikropono
siguraduhing nasa tono
kapag nagsimula na ang tugtog
pilitin ang tuhod na wag mangatog

song

sa pagpili ng kantang iyong ibibida
humanap ng may nakakapukaw na linya
huwag yung mga pinasikat ng mga artista
na wala namang talento sa pagkanta

saknong

hindi naman kinakailangang apat na linya
ang iba'y paiba-iba at sadyang malaya
sa iba'y parang kulang na sinadya
nagkamali siguro ng bilang o tantiya

hello there

2011-09-15T15:20:00.000+08:00

kamusta ka na? matagal na kitang hindi nabibisita. pasensya na. siguro nagtatampo ka na kasi may mga nakakausap na akong bago patungkol sa kung ano mang nararamdaman ko. siguro pakiramdam mo naisantabi na kita at unti unti ng kinakalimutan. hindi naman ganun ang intensyon ko. bagkus, may mga bagay bagay rin na hindi ko na maibahagi sayo gaya ng naibabahagi ko dati. binibisibisita pa rin naman kita kapag mayroon akong oras. alam ko hihiritan mo ako na wala namang taong 24 oras na busy, alam ko naman yun e. siguro natataon lang na sa mga oras na hindi ako busy ay may iba naman akong naiisip gawin so ang siste di pa rin kita nakakausap. naging paulit ulit ang siste at eto na siguro ang isa sa mga tahimik na buwan ng buhay ko. bakit kamo tahimik? wala naman kasi akong maikwento sayo na kaenga-enganyo e. pakiramdam ko rin kasi sa punto ito ng buhay ko, masyado syang boring. kasalan ko rin naman. wala naman rin akong ginagawa para maging exciting yung buhay kong tinatawag kong boring ngayon. sa totoo lang, wala na talaga akong mabahaging may importansya. paulit ulit na rin kasi ang nagiging gawain ko sa mga nagdaang araw sa mga linggo o buwan na nagdaan. naging part na ng routine ko kung ano man yung mga ginagawa ko sa araw araw (malamang) pero ang bottom line- hindi ako masaya.
ayoko na kasing magdrama. nagpapaka indifferent na lang siguro ako.
sa totoo e marami namang pwedeng pagusapan e. ang siste e sasarilinin ko nga lang sya. kaya patawad uli.
magbabalik ulit ako kapag may magandang kwento na ako.

hindi kita iiwan blogger, tandaan mo yan.

haiku

2011-08-18T14:11:00.001+08:00

hay naku naman
parang napipilitan
tara mag haiku.

kahit maputi na ang buhok ko

2011-05-23T23:55:00.000+08:00

iniisip ko kung bubuhayin ko pa tong blog kong natutulog. marami na akong naisulat. pero nasa drafts pa rin. kahit na tapos na. ayoko naman ipublish. siguro ito yung magsisilbing diary ko kung sakaling may mangyari saking masama. (wag naman sana) pero minsan dumadating ako sa puntong napaparanoid ako.

o matagal na akong ganito, at mas lumulutang lang ang katigasan ng ulo ko sa pagcontradict sa mga dapat na ginagawa ko. sa tagal ng panahong lumipas simula ng magkanda gulo gulo ang buhay kong wala pa rin sa ayos e nasanay na ako. o sadya lang talagang nagiging manhid na ako at tuluyan ng maging indifferent sa mga pangyayari sa paligid ko.

pero bakit "kahit maputi na ang buhok ko" ang naisulat kong pamagat nito? napangiti na lang ako sapagkat may nakalaan talagang sulatin tong entry na to, pero sa di ko maipaliwanag na dahilan e ipagpapaliban ko na lang yun at sasarilinin.. pero baka hindi rin. bahala na.

napag isip isip ko rin kasing maging ~*art*~ dump na lang tong blog ko. pero andun na yung tumblr ko para dun. gusto ko rin sanang maging mas maayos na. for a change. pero mukhang matatagalan bago mangyari yun. kasi malamang sa malamang icocontradict ko ulit yung mga iniisip ko. nakakalungkot lang.

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trust issues :

may kinuha akong personality test mga ilang linggo nang nakalipas. naging madali naman para sakin yun. dahil di naman kailangang magreview para sa IQ test.pero dun sa personality test ata ako nadale. sabi nung nagcheck ng test ko. wala daw akong tiwala sa tao. sinundan pa nga niya ng tanong kung may "nanloko" na ba sakin o "nangiwan" at kung ano ano pang tanong na related sa pagkawala ng tiwala ko sa tao. di ko ata sya sinagot sa tanong nayun at bagkus e sinuklian lamang sya ng isang ngiti. pero simula ng mga oras na yun nagsimula na akong maisipisip ulit. ang nakakatoreteng pagiisip kung tama nga ba yun? wala na ba akong tiwala sa tao? na parang lahat ng gagawin nila e pinagdududahan ko sa isang banda kahit na hindi naman talaga. siguro subconsciously may pagdududa talaga. kung sasagutin ko kung may nanloko at nang-iwan na ba sa akin e palagay ko naman sakto lang kung sasabihin kong meron na.
ang masaklap lang e, yung mga tao pang yun ay ilan sa mga taong halos pinagbuhusan ko ng utmost attention and affection. ilan dun e may kinalaman sa mga naunsyaming pagibig. o kung di man naunsyami e pagibig na kelan man e di mangyayari. at sa ibang banda naman e mga taong lubos ang tiwalang ibinigay na sadya namang pinaglaruan ka ng tadhana at binalewala lang nila at iniwan ka na lang ng walang pasabi sa isang tabi.

tapos naman na ang nangyari. di ko na siguro kailangan pang ihingi ng paliwanag kung bakit nila nagawa. siguro naging obvious na rin para sa kanila na dapat alam ko na kung bakit nila yun ginawa. ang malungkot lang e di naman ako yung tipo ng taong nakadepende sa mga signos ng pagkakabigo at paglisan. kahit siguro ilang ulit ka pang magpakita ng kung ano anong signs na yan kung di mo rin naman ako didiretsuhin e wala rin. di ko rin yan iintindihin. magtatanong lag ako ng magtatanong pero wala rin naman akong makukuhang sagot.

kasi wala ka na.

kasi iniwan mo na ako.

kasi komplikado kamo.

kasi...

kasi..

kasi.

darating rin siguro ang panahon na malilinawagan ako sa lahat lahat.kailan man yun ewan ko na lang. di ko naman masabing natuto na ko sa mga nagawa ko. sa mga pangyayaring may dulot na aral para sakin. sa mga pampapalubag loob na naririnig ko sa iba. sa mga salitang nagboboost (di tulad ng boost sa plurk) ng self esteem ko na dapat iniintindi ko pero ewan ko. ayaw ko na lang sigurong pagbigyan ng puwang ang mga yun. kasi mas nanaisin kong sa inyo mismo manggaling yun. di ko nga lang alam kung matatanggap ko pa yun.

sa mga nakakaintindi ng mga nakasulat dito. di naman to likhang fiction. di rin to talambuhay. at mas lalong di rin to hango sa kwento ng komiks o ng xerex o ng roma amor maging ng paborito mong author. kung pinag ubusan mo ng oras basahin ito. malamang wala kang maiintindihan dito. lalo na kung di mo naman ako kilala.
pero wala ka ng choice. umabot ka na dito e. wala ka namang mapapala.

=========================================================================
pahabol:

masarap rin ang minsang nabubuhos mo kung ano ang saloobin mo sa isang tao. mabuti man o hindi. nakakagaan rin kasi ng dinadala. sa tingin ko kasi isa ako sa mga taong mapagtanim ng saloobin. mas pananatiliin kong akin na lamang yun kaysa makasakit ako ng ibang tao o masaktan ko ang sarili ko. minsan kailangan mong sumugal. pero di naman kailangan itaya mo ang lahat lahat ng pag aari mo para lang sa isang bagay na wala rin namang kasiguraduhan. inaamin kong naaalala pa rin kita sa mga oras na nalulungkot ako. sa mga gabing di makatulog at pinapakinggan ko ang ilang tunog na galing mismo sa yo. sa pagkanta sa mga liriko ng musikang nagbibigay sa akin ng ngiti. at sa tunog na nagpapatahan ng aking balisang damdamin. gusto kong itanong kung kamusta ka na? kung ano na ang pinagkakaabalahan mo? naaalala mo ba ako kahit paminsan minsan? at kung alam mo pa bang buhay pa ako?

recording 09

*di na ako marunong magedit ng audio. :|

unang buslo kabyos, ikalawang buslo sablay!

2011-03-15T21:13:00.000+08:00

ilang segundo na lang ang nalalabi. tabla ang parehong koponan. at pinakaimportanteng tira sa buong laro ay nakasalalay sa mga mangyayaring kasunod.

dribol

dribol

buntong hininga habang inaalala at isinasantabi yung mg asungot na katunggali na nasa kaliwa, kanan at nasa likuran ng ring. iblanko ang isipan. panatilihing nakatutok ang imahe ng ring na unti unting lumalaki para mas madaling maipasok ang bolang kanina mo pa dinidribol.

dribol ulit..

sa kabila ng ingay at panggugulo ng iba ay di nagpapaapekto. siguro ay handa ka ng bitawan ang at pakawalan ang unang buslo. tinantya. inispat mabuti. pagkahagis napansing mayroong mali. kung nakaslowmo ang kuha mula sa ibat ibang anggulo. mapapansin agad kung ano ang pagkukulang.

diretso naman ang pagbitiw, nakaayos ang porma ng kamay, kinulang lamang sa lakas.

kabyos.

nakakabinging tawanan ang sumunod. natabunan ang inis ng ingay ng mga nasa paligid. parang nanlambot ang tuhod sa pagkakamaling nagawa. sa kabila nuon e nilapitan ka ng mga kakampi. tinapik sa balikat. "ok lang yan may kasunod pa naman" muling kinalma ang sarili. inantay iabot ang bola. ikalawang pagkakataon na ito.

nanginginig ang kamay. kabado. nanlalamig ang mga pawis na tumutulo sa gilid ng mukha. tuyo ang lalumunan. tiniis ang sakit sa paglunok ng laway. pumikit. pagmulat ng mata'y walang pag-agam agam na binigay ang ikalawang buslo.

pinagmasdan ang bolang umiikot sa himpapawid..

ang bolang ng pag-asang mag-uuwi ng tagumpay..

ang siyang magbibigay ng buhay sa koponan niyong nalulumbay..

subalit sumablay.

ayun patay.

bulung-bulungan ng hangin, ilang minuto bago maghating gabi

2011-03-14T23:27:00.000+08:00

saan ka nga ba patungo?

naliligaw na namang puso

parating balik parito

di talaga magkandatuto

para bang nakatingin lang sa harapan

wala ng napapansin sa tagiliran

para makaiwas sa takot na maihalintulad

sinasadyang dahan dahang umusad

sa mga salitang inipon sa isipan

na sa hangin naman binibitawan

pilit mang tinatago at iniingatan

sa tamang oras ito'y pakakawalan

kadalasa'y "sana" ang laging hiling

para maalis ang alin mang nakatabing

maghihintay sa araw ng iyong pagdating

hahamakin ang lahat para ika'y makapiling

ibibigay ang lahat at magpaparaya

kung tanging kapalit nito'y paglaya

ng pusong matagal ng nakagapos

sa kalungkutang hindi matapos-tapos

alay

2011-03-14T22:18:00.000+08:00

naglakad ako paparoon.

may hawak na dalawang bagay

sa kaliwa ay bulaklak,

puso naman sa kanan.

bulaklak bilang pagsalubong

na sana'y iyong tanggapin

kasabay ang puso bilang alay

lahat ng kaya ay ibibigay

at sa paglubog ng araw

gabi'y muling matatanaw

sana lamang ika'y kapiling
sa mga susunod na araw na darating

pagtupad ng isa sa aking pangarap

2011-02-14T13:50:00.000+08:00

siguro dumating na rin ako sa point na pinagdaanan ng character na nasa manga na ito. napagdaanan ko na yung mga malulungkot na pangungulila, mga pagbelawala sa mga saloobin mo, sa mga sugat gawa ng mga pisikal na pananakit pati mg hindi makitang sugat gawa ng mga pananakit na gawa ng emosyon at kung ano anong shit. tumulo ang luha mo isa man sa mga dahilan na andyan, pwede ring tumulo ang luha mo kasi sa sobrang kasiyahan mo, pero aminin mo - mas madalas bang maluha ka sa tuwa o sa kalungkutan?

maraming kabullshitan sa mundo natin. maaaring alam o lingid sa kaalaman mo, marami talaga. dumating sa panahon na naging iyakin ka. dumaan ka sa panahong lahat ng nagdudulot ng sakit sayo ay kailangang ilabas mo sa pamamagitan ng pagtulo ng luha mo. mamumugto ang mata mo pagtapos mong iiyak yan, pagtapos ano na? oo nga naman, ano ba namang malay ko sa nararamdaman mo..kahit siguro subukan mong ipaliwanag e may makakaintindi ba talaga kung ano ang nararamdaman mo, kung sarili mo nga mismo e hindi mo maipaliwanag kung ano ang nararamdaman mo.

kailan ba ako tumigil sa pag-iyak sa mga bagay na dapat apektado ako? hmmm siguro ng dahan dahan akong nasanay sa paulit ulit na mga bagay na dapat iiyak ko pero dahil sa ibang pagkakataon na yun e hindi ka dapat magpakita ng emosyon mo e nagpakita ka na lang ng "best poker face" na pwede mong iharap sa mga taong andun. mahirap sa una. pero pag tumagal tagal, siguro kahit may mamamatay sa harap ko e hindi na siguro ako maluluha. putangina lang. para na akong robot. isa siguro to sa mga pinakaayaw kong kaugalian na nakuha ko sa propesyon ko. ang hindi magpakita ng nakapanlulumong emosyon sa harap ng tao. na kailangan mong maging matatag sa harap ng mga suliranin. so siguro iipunin mo lang lahat yun tapos kung magsnap ka e goodluck na lang sa mga mangyayari..

maswerte nga siguro ang mga pumanaw na. sa kabila ng lahat e naranasan nila ang mabuhay, ang masaktan, ang mabigo at magtagumpay. lumuha rin ba sila? malamang oo. wala talagang kinalaman ang mga pumanaw sa sulat kong ito. kung bakit ko nabanggit yun, di ko rin alam. siguro sa sabkonsyo ko e mas gusto ko panandaliang pumanaw. kahit saglit lang. pero babalik rin ako...

bukas.

mamaya

2011-02-03T19:24:00.001+08:00

maraming kailangang tapusin

hindi na rin magkandaugaga

kailangan pa bang may unahin

bago ikay maging aligaga

di alam kung san hinugot

mga patutsadang baluktot

kung kailan nais matapos

tsaka ka naman kinakapos

lahat ng bagay halos isinasantabi

yung iba nga tila'y walang pasabi

binabalikan na lamang kung kelan nais

sadyang sayang ang pagtulo ng mga pawis

gasgas na salitang gamit palusot

pantakas sa nagawang gusot

binalak pang sa iba ipaubaya

puro ka kasi sambit ng - mamaya

pag ihip ng apoy sa kandilang hindi dapat sinindihan

2011-02-02T19:52:00.001+08:00

akala mo siguro nakalimot na ako, sa bawat araw na nagdaraan na hindi kita naaalala, sa bawat taong nakakasalamuha ko na hindi kita naikukwento man lang. siguro sa mga oras na ito kinamumuhian mo na ako. di naman kita masisi kung ganun man ang pakiramdam mo. may mga pagkukulang rin naman ako sa iyo. aminado ako sa mga yun. nangyari na ang mga nangyari. parte na iyon na ng nakaraan natin, parte ng aking pagkatao, at kung nasan ka man ngayon.

hindi siguro sapat kung sabihin ko mang patawad ng paulit ulit, malamang hindi mo na mararamdaman ang sinseridad ng mga salitang ito lalo pa't ngayong wala ka na. kung isang malaking dagok ang nangyayari sa akin ngayon dahil sa ginawa ko ay tatanggapin ko,o malamang ay hinaharap ko na sya sa bawat araw na nagdaraan. kung kinakailangan pa akong parusahan, bigyan mo man lang ako ng signos kung paano ko maisasakatuparan ang iyong nais. kung hindi pa sapat ang pagkapaso ng aking sarili sa pagtangkang hipan ang liwanag na nagsisilbing buhay mo. sa pagkadama ng init ng bawat mainit na patak na ikinukumpara mo sa mga luhang iniiyak mo. bawat luhang ipinatak ay may kasunod na daliring napapaso na nagpupumilit pawiin ang sakripisyong ginagawa mo.

sa sandaling panahon ng ating pagsasama, at kung sakaling magkakaharap man tayong muli, personal kong ihihingi ng kapatawaran ang mga salang nagawa ko. hiling ko sana'y nasa puso mo pa na tanggapin ako sa likod ng lahat ng aking pagkukulang at sa pag-ihip ng apoy na nasa dulo ng nasusunog na pisi na nagkokonekta ng buhay mo na nakasalalay sa aking kamay.

so kamusta ka naman?

2010-10-26T23:21:00.000+08:00

natanong na rin sakin to ng ilang ulit. madalas ang sagot ko e ang usual na "walang bago"
pero ano nga ba ang dapat kong isagot? "ok lang", "sakto lang" ...pero yun ba talaga ang gusto kong ipahatid?

kung di naman talaga ako ok, kailangan ko bang sabihing ok ako? kahit na halata namang hindi. o kung sasabihin ko namang sakto lang e parang ang dating naman nun e niloloko ko ang sarili ko. sa tingin ko naman e niloloko ko lang naman talaga ang sarili ko. sawang sawa na rin ako sa mga nangyayari sa pang araw araw..

di naman ganun kadali e. marami tayong pinagdadaanan. di lang naman ako ang tao sa buong mundo na kailangang pansinin ng lahat ng tao. pero sa kasamaang palad may mga taong papansin sayo. kakamustahin ka, gustuhin mo man o hindi. ano nga ba ang punto ko? wala. panibagong yugto lang naman to ng pagkabagot ko isinalin ko lang sa blog ko, hindi para sa kapitbahay naming walang ginawa araw araw kung hindi magbingo sa kalsada at makipagtalo sa tuwing nadadaya ang dalawang pisong taya nya, o sa mga kaibigan kong nakasalamuha ko ng matagal, biglang lilisan, at muling magbabalik. at mas lalong hindi para sa mga kamag anak ko, para kanino pa? edi sa akin. lahat naman ito e nagiging basehan nila upang magbigay ng opinyon sa kung ano man ang nais nila. pwede itong maging salamin ng pagkatao ko. o maging batayan nila kung bakit ako nagkakaganito.

ano ang ending? wala pa. tuloy tuloy pa rin ang kwento e, buhay pa naman ako. mamaya matutulog ako at kung suswertihin mananaginip. na sa panaginip na yun masaya ako. masaya talaga. di tulad ng maskarang kailangan kong suotin araw araw na as tuwing may problema e ibabaling ko ang mukha ko sa kabila para di makita yung gusot sa mukha ko o maging ang pagbabago sa magiging kilos ko. mas mabuti na siguro yung ganun. kahit alam na alam mong hindi.

bakit ang boring? ganun talaga e. di naman kailangan bigyan ng importansya para sa iba yung mga ganitong hinaing. di naman rin ako makata para idaan ko sa mga matatalinhagang salita o balutin ng kung ano anong palamuti yung mga ginagawa ko para bigyan ng pansin o gawan ng papuri ng iba.

mas ok na para sa akin na maging ganito. di naman titigil ang mundo pag nawala yung pagganito ko di ba?
tignan na lang natin baka bukas maiba naman...

you don't bite the hand that feeds you

2010-10-15T13:05:00.003+08:00

true.

you can only bark and obey to their whims.

you can run and struggle all day long.

but at the end of the day you will find yourself bound by chains around your neck.

struggling all your life to be free...

nakaw

2010-09-24T15:55:00.000+08:00

mahirap yung bigla kang mawawalan ng kung ano ano. higit sa lahat pera. oo pera. di naman lingid sa kaalam ng usual na kasama ko sa bahay na kapos ako sa pera. pero syempre di mawawala yung mga uninvited guests na titigil pa at manunuluyan ng ilang araw. ok lang naman sana, sa isang banda e di ko naman to bahay. sa tita ko to. at sinasamahan lang talaga namin ang lola ko. ang kinasasama ko lang ng loob e walang wala ka na nga. lalo pang mawawalan. magulo? oo kahit ako naguluhan dun. isama na natin ang katotohanang mahirap magbintang. oo mahirap pagbintangan ang isang tao na sya yung responsable sa nawawala kong pera. kahit na kilala mong sya yung pinakamalikot ang kamay na bumisita sa inyo. damay damay pa at pati mga anak nya e namana ata yung ganun. nahuli mo na sa akto di pa aamin. nakakasama talaga ng loob. pakunswelo de bobo pa na di lahat lahat ng pera mo kinuha. o yeh nagtira pa naman ng 120 petot. nakakapagtaka. di naman ako umaalis so alam ko kung magkano pa ang pera ko. dapat na talagang bumili ng kandado para sa bag ko. dun ko na lang ulit ilalagay ang pera ko. pero lalagyan ko na ng kandado. yung susi di mo makikita parating nasa akin yun. better yet kunin ko kaya yung mga lock na de numero? ewan ko. nagtatatlong isip na kong maglagay ng pera sa mga lugar na di naman ganun kaobvious makita pero may nakakahanap pa rin e. matyaga talaga, lalo na pag andito sila. lahat talaga ng mga bagay na madaling madampot at maitago kailangan talagang itabi. tongeno mo po. pakyu ka sa ert. sayong sayo na yung perang kinuha mo sa bag ko. di man yun kasing laki ng gaya ng nawala sa lola ko pero paunti unti ka naman kung tumira. pwede namang manghingi e. papahiramin naman kita. kung di man kita mapahiram yun e sa kadahilanang wala akong pera o may pinaglalaanan ako dun sa naitabi kong pera.

sana sa uulitin maisip mo rin yun. pero ewan ko. kung ganun ka kagipit para pitikin pa ang kakarampot na pera ko e malamang kailangang kailangan mo nga yan. pero pakyu ka pa rin.

bangungot o panaginip lang

2010-09-02T17:22:00.000+08:00

narasan mo na bang managinip? malamang oo.. ang gago naman ng tanong na to. syempre batid din dito sa tanong na to kung natatandaan mo ba ang huling napanaginipan mo. dun malamang magkakatalo talo ang sagot ng kung sino man ang makakabasa nito. bakit ko nga ba naisip to? may koneksyon ba to sa nangyari sakin? aba malay mo, malay ko rin. pero oo nanaginip ako kagabi o mas tama ata kung kanikanina lang dahil gising ako kagabi at natulog ako ng madaling araw na.

so may pake ka ba sa panaginip ko? malamang wala so wag mo na lang ituloy ang pagbasa para di sayang oras mo. ang mga detalye ng naaalala ko sa panaginip ko e ganito.

sa di ko mawaring pagtalon talon ng ideya sa isip ko napunta ako sa isang lugar na kung saan may tinatahak akong daan. kung ano man meron dun di ko alam. pero kasama ko si ramon bautista. sa di ko rin maintindihang dahilan e nakikitext sya sa akin. kasi daw lowbat ang cellphone nya. sabi ko naman wala akong load. so parehas kaming naglalakad at kinukwento nya ang mga karanasan nya sa pagtuturo at pagiging parte nya ng strangebrew.
di naglaon e natumbok ng daan ang isang panaderya. kadalasan sa ganitong pagkakataon e may sideline ang mga panaderya. parang minigrocery ang mga ito at paminsan minsan may loading station rin para sa mga gumagamit ng cellphone.
nagulat na lang ako ng biglang nawala sa tabi ko si ramon. pagbaling ko ng tingin sa panaderya e kausap na nya yung tindera tungkol sa load at sa panderegla at putok. nakataas pa ang kanyang kwelyo at parating nakapose pag nagtatanong.

biglang nagpalit ang buong pangyayari sa isang iglap. naguguluhan man ako pero alam ko ang ginagawa ko. at may ginugulpi akong tao sa harapan ko. tuloy tuloy ang pagsapak ko sa mukha nya. napansin ko ring nakauniporme sya. tumigil ako sa pagsuntok at pag lingon ko nagsisilayuan ang mga nakapalibot samin. umalis ako na parang wala lang. tumutulo ang dugo sa kamao ko pero parang wala ako sa katinuan ko sa nangyayari. pumunta ako sa banyo. binuksan ko ang gripo at naghugas ng kamay at naghilamos na rin. di ko napansin andun pala si adrian. naninigarilyo. alam ko sa totoong buhay di naninigarilyo yun pero sa panaginip ko naninigarilyo sya. ah oo nga pala tumatae sya ng mga oras na yun nakabukas ang pinto ng cubicle. natatakpan ng amoy ng usok ng sigarilyo ang amoy ng ebak nya. may napagusapan kami tungkol sa walang katapusang alitan ng dalawang gusali na magkatapat. parehas naman daw puro studyante ang andun pero nagkandaletse letse lang daw ng nagrambol ang mga studyante. dati rati daw e nakabukod ang mga sutil sa mga matatalino. kaya naging dalawa ang gusali para ibukod ang dalawa. pero may mga pumasok sa kabilang gusali. napaaway kasi sila'y naiiba. di ko naintindihan ang mga sinasabi ni adrian. nakasalubong namin sa paglabas ng banyo si orang. as usual may dala dala syang camera. kinuhanan daw nya yung nangyari kanina. tapos hinanap na namin si tomas. babalikan pa kasi namin yung mga lumapatangan sa kakilala naming si tisay, yun ang sabi ni adrian. susugod daw kami sa kabilang kampo. napakamot ako ng ulo sa mga panahong yun at sinabi kong dumiretso na lang kami kasi malamang andun na si tomas. tama nga ang hinala ko at naroon na nga si tomas nauna ng kumilos dinig sa sigaw na galit na galit siya. ewan ko kung anong puno't dulo ng mga nangyari at kung bakit kailangan naming maghiganti.

natapos ang lahat ng ito ng bigla akong magising. di ko alam kung ano ang koneksyon ng lahat ng ito sa mangyayari ngayon o kinabukasan.

sa palagay nyo kung matutulog ba kong muli may part two pa ba ng mga napanaginipan ko?
makakapagpaload na ba si ramon bautista? ilan kaya ang nagulpi ni tomas? at naging maganda kaya ang mga kuha ni orang? bangungot ba itong maituturing o isang panaginip lang?

at higit sa lahat..

naghugas ba ng kamay si adrian?

dapa

2010-08-25T13:12:00.000+08:00

hindi naman porke may mga naglalabasan flop or kung ano mang crap e ikakahiya mo na ang buong lahi mo.
hindi rin naman ata tama na may nagawa ng kapalpakan e sisihin mo na ang lahat lahat sa mga nangyari.
maari namang tumayo kapag nadapa di ba? maari ring pagpagan mo ang nadungisan mong tuhod binti at kung ano man at maglakad muli.

choco-yey

2010-08-19T00:01:00.001+08:00

nagpunta ako kila aling vicky. inutusan kasi akong bumili ng uulamin naming sardinas at tatlong beef noodles para sa araw na iyon. pumayag akong lumabas ng bahay kahit na abala ako sa paglalaro pero andun ang magic words na "sa iyo na ang sukli" hindi na ko nag-atubili wala pang ilang saglit kumaripas na ko at lumabas ng bahay para magtanong kung meron ng bibilhin ko sa tindahan. pagdating ko dun napa wow ako may bagong binebentang candy. matamis sya sabi ni aling vicky. ito rin daw ang pinakabago at pinagmamalaki ng isang kilalang kompanyang taga gawa ng candy. maganda ang baluti nya. napukaw ang mata ko sa pagtitig. o ano pa nga bang panunukso ng tadhana at biglang tumunog ang jingle ng commercial ng candy sa tv at binibidahan pa ng kilalang childstar na tagaendorso ng candy. mukhang masarap nga sya. halata sa itsura ng tagaendorso ng candy na nasasarapan sya at nageenjoy sa pagkain nito. napapaisip na ko sa mga oras na ito.biglang pumasok ang mabilis na computation ng mga bibilhin ko at kung magiging magkano ang sukling pwede kong pambili ng candy. "ayos" sabi ulit ng isip ko kakasya pa sa 1 candy ang makukuha ko. medyo may kamahalan sya kaya 1 lang muna ang pwedeng bilhin. napatitig ako ng matagal sa candy. parang napunta ako sa kung ano mang lugar na naisip ko nun lang. bigla akong nalagay sa imahe na kasama ko ang candy at ako lamang ang meron nun sa simula nang biglang may dumaang kalaro ko hawak hawak rin nya yung candy na inakala ko na ako lang ang meron. nasundan pa yun ng ibang kalaro ko na hawak rin at ninanamnam ang candy. para akong nanlumo. pero hindi panlalaban ko sa naisip ko. meron rin akong candy di ako dapat malungkot. pero biglang naglaho ang mga panaginip ng may naalalang importanteng bagay.

"diabetic ka nga pala iho" bulas ni aling vicky.

para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig. kaya nagpasalamat na lang ako at umuwi sa bahay. pagdating ko dun pinagalitan ako kasi di ko rin nabili yung dapat kong bilhin. naunsyami pa ang mga pangarap kong kumain ng candy. kaya nagtapos ang araw na ngumangata ako ng biskwit na walang lasa at nagpakasasa na lamang sa ibang bagay na pwede kong pagkaabalahan.

kasinungalingan

2010-08-09T14:55:00.001+08:00

sa isang ideya nagsimula. di mo alam kung bakit. dyan rin nabuo ang di dapat nabuo. hindi mo namalayan dun ka na namumuhay. at iiwan ka sa huli na nagtataka at puno ng pagdududa. wala kang habol. wala naman talagang nangyari. kinuha ka sa mundong ginagalawan mo.di mo alam kung kusa kang pumasok sa mundo nila. o napursigi ka lang na pumasok para makitungo at makibagay sa kung ano mang kilos, gawa, pagiisip o kung ano man ang kinakailangan para manatili ka sa lugar nila. ni minsan di ka nagtaka. ni hindi man lang nagdalwang isip sa mga kilos o sa mga pagbabagong nangyayari. sumabay ka sa agos ng panahon. sa panahon na kung saan para kang lutang sa pinagbabawal na ligaya. nasaid ng sobrang ligaya na di mo na alam kung tama ba talaga ang iyong ginagawa o ang mas kalunos lunos kung tunay nga ba ang ligayang dapat mong maramdaman. di ka na nakapagisip. pero sige lang. masaya ka sa mga oras na iyon. sa sobrang saya na para ka ng bulag sa mga nangyayari sa harapan mo. para kang ninanakawan ng harap-harapan pero masyado kang lango at di mo mawari na ikaw pala ay nasasalisihan na ng di mo nalalaman. hanggang sa bigla na lang silang mawawala. dun pa lang magsisimula ang pagtataka at ang pagtatanong sa sarili. anong nangyari? bakit nagkaganon? bakit nawala? may nasabi ba ako? may nagawa ba kong mali? bakit parang sa mga ganitong pagkakataon tinatanong mo ang sarili mo? na parang ang punot-dulo ng lahat ay ikaw ang may sala. na ang sarili ang dapat managot sa lahat lahat ng nangyari. ngunit sa isang banda ikaw lang ba ang dapat sisihin sa lahat lahat? paano na kung malaman mong isa ka lamang piyesa o parte ng tauhan para sa kwentong ginawa para makaalpas ang isa sa sitwasyong kanyang tinatahak? na ikaw ay pwedeng ihalintulad sa isang terminal o istasyon na kung saan magpapalipas lamang ng ilang sandali at lilisan rin pagkatapos. na ginamit ka lamang upang maibsan ang lungkot at paninibugho ng damdamin para makapag simula sya muli ng panibagong buhay, ngunit di ka nga lang kasama. isa ka lamang instrumento para pagbasehan ng mabuting ehemplo o isang makaidelohiyang kaisipan na magiging basehan ng dapat at hindi dapat.o isa ka lamang katatawanan. isa itong sumpang parang pinataw sayo simula ng lumisan ka sa kung san ka man naroon dati. na ikaw ay pinagkakatuwaan lamang. na ikaw ay isa lamang isang malaking biro. na pinagtatawanan sa pagkakataon na ikaw ay pinaglalaruan. isip man o damdamin. siguro sa ngayon matatawa ka na lang kapag naiisip mo ang nangyari. wala ka naman ng magagawa, nangyari na ang mga nangyari. kailangan pa bang ihingi ng kapatawaran? kung di rin naman maipaliwanag kung bakit nangyari ang mga nangyari? kailangan mo rin bang humingi ng dispensa para sa mga nagawa mong kapalpakan? pero naihingi mo na ng kapatawaran yun. kailangan na lang bang tanggapin ang mga nangyari? ganun na lang ata. wala na atang remedyong magagawa. kahit ilang masilya pa ang itapal mo ganun pa rin. kahit pagsuotin mo ng marangyang kasuotan ganun pa rin. san na nga napunta ang dati? iba na kasi sya ngayon. iba ka na rin. nagbago na ba ang lahat lahat? o sadya nga lang mabagal ka para humabol sa takbo ng kasalukuyan. siguro nga. pero malay mo nagkakamali ka lang ulit. balik ka na lang muna sa mundo mo. kung nasaan ka nuon. lagyan ng harang ang dapat lagyan ng harang. ikulong ang dapat ikulong. gamitin ang alaala upang aliwin ang sarili. huwag ng hayaang mangyari pa ang mga kasuklam suklam na bagay na ayaw mo ng mangyari. manatiling gising. mangarap pa rin. magtiwala sa dapat pagkatiwalaan. at ihanda ang sarili baka niloloko ka naman ng pagkakataon. at magising na namumuhay ka na naman sa mundo ng kasinungalingan.

ihi

2010-08-03T00:39:00.000+08:00

dun lang ako nalungkot. na sa mga oras na di mo pinansin yung nararamdaman ko pero pagdating sayo e dapat ako ang makisakay. at sa mga oras na nakiusap ako sige ka pa rin ng sige. di lang naman ikaw ang kailangang pakibagayan. may oras rin na sana umiintindi ka rin. nakakalungkot lang at wala kang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko kasi ang importante e yung nararamdaman mo. so pano na ko? kelangan ko na lang bang tumahimik at umupo sa isang tabi hanggang balikan mo at pansinin ulit? di naman siguro ako kelangan magpigil ng nararamdaman. pagbigyan mo lang minsan lang ako humingi ng pabor di pa pagbibigyan bagkus e kailangan ko pa ring makiapid sa kung ano man ang iyong nais. ayos. sige ayoko makipaglaro ng pataasan ng ihi. mababasa rin ako ng sarili kong ihi kung sakali mang manalo ako sa larong gusto mo.

ktnxbye

habol

2010-07-31T12:29:00.001+08:00

kelangan ko pa bang magpaapekto?
kung di mo ako kinakausap anong gagawin ko?
ano pa nga ba ang nararapat?
manglimos ng atensyong sapat?

kinakailangan ko pa bang magparamdam?
kung ikaw mismo di makapansin
kapag andyan ka at ito'y aking alam
kayang kaya mo akong tiisin

sa panahon ngayon di na ba ko dapat maghabol?
baka mauwi lang luhaan at napahiya
na hindi man lang kayang ipagtanggol
ngunit sino nga ba ang nagpabaya?

wala naman talagang dapat sisihin
kailangan na lamang tanggapin
kung di mo lubusang iisipin
hindi lang puso ang dapat sundin.

DABDA

2010-07-29T14:54:00.001+08:00

"HOY KABAYO!"

naguluhan siya ng sabihan sya ng ganyan. muli syang nagulat ng may nagsabi ulit sa kanya

"KABAYO! bilis bilisan mo nga dyan. ako naman ang gagamit nyan"

dinibdib nya ang paratang na to. tumingin sa salamin kinumpara ang sinasabi ng iba. "mukha ba talaga akong kabayo?" "hindi, ang layo ko sa itsura ng kabayo"

---denial---

pagkalabas nya ng kwarto. bigla ulit syang sinigawan.

"ANAK NG KABAYO naman... bakit ba ang kupad kupad mong kumilos!"

sa di mo maipaliwanag na dahilan. binato mo sya ng pinakamalapit na bagay na nahawakan mo.

"e gago ka pala e, bakit di mo subukang gawin yung sinasabi mo kailangan mo pang iutos kaya mo namang gawin!"

---ANGER---

sa panahon na to. nagkulong sya sa kwarto nya. umiyak ng umiyak....sabay nagsusumigaw sa kisame

"bakit!?!?! BAKIT GANITO ANG BINIGAY na mukha nyo sakin!!!??? sana ibang mukha na lang sana ginawa nyo na lang akong lumpo kesa magkaron ng ganitong mukha"

----bargaining---

nagkulong sya at nagnilay nilay. naging apathetic sya sa lahat ng nangyayari sa paligid nya. wala syang kinakausap. hindi rin sya kumain at kumilos ng normal. andun lang sya sa kwarto nya. nakaupo sa sulok.

---depression---

sa pagkukulong nya sa kwarto nakakita sya ng isang libro. binasa nya ito. at nakalagay dun.

"kung tinawag kang kabayo ng isang beses wag mo itong pansinin. kung lumampas na sa dalawang beses kang tinatawag na kabayo. aba baka kailangan mo na ngang maghatak ng kalesa"

sa pagkakataong yun. tinapon nya ang libro at lumabas nag bahay.

"ito na ang simula ng bago kong buhay"

di na lang nya ininda ang mga paratang ng ibang tao. nabuhay sya malayo sa lugar na pinanggalingan nya. at nagsimula muli.

--acceptance--

nagugulumihanan

2010-07-12T09:47:00.001+08:00

di mapakali
walang masisi
di naman malaman
kung bakit naguguluhan

kelangan ba sumulong?
sawa na sa pag-urong
maingay rin ang ugong
alam mo ba ang binubulong?

asan na napunta ang diwa?
kanina lamang ay nariyan
di ka man lang naawa?
bigla mo na lang pinabayaan

di ko rin mawari
kung anong nangyayari
isip ay litong lito
wala namang nanggugulo

saan nga ba to patungo?
ba't di pa rin natututo?
hindi kasi sumunod sa panuto
kaya tuloy nagkakaganito

what the fuck just happened?

2010-06-26T17:10:00.003+08:00

bright lights slowly become dimmed
your days slowly fading away
it came all too sudden

so what the fuck just happened?

it came as fast as the blink of an eye

then you're interrupted by questioning "why"

a brief moment of joy left you saddened

so what the fuck just happened?

now you are left to wonder

to fight one thought against another

with no underlying point to ponder

so what the fuck happened?

now you are stuck to the place to hate the most

with no other options left for you to boast

no, it's not cool to end a rhyme with toast

so what the fuck just happened?

stop playing on words and move along

to find the solution on what went wrong

to know what the fuck just happened

only to find out you just hit a dead end

on cravings, pretending and slow death.

2010-05-26T21:34:00.000+08:00

you know how i crave for you
yet you don't give a damn
as i pick my pace to follow
yet you don't seem to bother

"hey! your walking too fast"
i tried screaming for you to stop
yet you don't listen
you never did
maybe you never will.

i have stopped from following now
for i fell on the ground, faced down
i'm all bruised up and bleeding
nobody's fault to blame but my own

-------

look what it did to you
i hope you are happy now
with all the shit that has happened
should i be so sorry now?

shall i ask myself if i am wanted
or am i just once again needed
is it part of a schemed plan
that you will leave once you are done

was it all worth it
i just feel the need to ask
but i think it doesn't matter
for i'll hide behind another mask

---------------

i stand between boundaries
my hands were raised up high
on one hand i hold a pen
a knife on the other

torn between stabbing myself
with any of the two things that i hold
to the part of me that is left
of what remains or so they told

i pushed the one i hold on my right hand
straight to the core of what hurts the most
followed by the one that i hold on my left
with every thrust the wounds immediately closed

i think i'm gonna die

well almost.

your love won't release me i'm bound under ball and chain

2010-05-23T22:42:00.001+08:00

it doesn't feel the same.

nuff said.

miss

2010-05-11T12:27:00.000+08:00

it is strange to think that it has been quite a while since we last talked. i have talked with a stranger, a random stranger whom i have just met while standing in line a while ago, but not to you.
i've have seen sunsets and gaze at how the moon has change its phase but none of it matter if i would not be able to speak with you again. i mean yeah it is unfair. you left without a word and just go with your own way. you have been trying to live a life on your own without having to share it with me. i may be a bit selfish to think that i could have at least be a part of it, but you have not given me a chance to be part of it..well not anymore that is.
it really did take a toll with me. but i guess you don't give a damn about it anymore.

am i becoming indifferent now?that i do not know. i may be numb from all of this hurt and sufferings that all this shitty life has been throwing right at me. i won't nudge an inch. i will endure. i will be strong. i will live. i keep telling myself that.well a part of me keep on saying that. i know it has been long since we had talked. i mean when was the last time? do you remember? or do you keep it as another one of those shenanigans that you have been up to. i think you have been threading on the misguided path since then. you know where you are though. i cannot keep on pulling you in on the right path if you have been so eager to go on your own way.

where it lead you? im not really sure. im still here to see where it all lead. im just gonna stand by my ground. and watch you from where i am at, till you can wake up some sense in you. well i hope by the time that moment will come, you will still be standing. i hate to see you like this. feeling broken and unwanted.
you deserve so much better. you will get through this. this too shall pass.

and if all else fails. remember who have stayed with you through all those shitty times. you have the pleasure of having some transient friends for now..but when you are not at the top anymore and your purpose have expired with them you will see who your friends really are, and it will be sad to know that it is them whom you neglect the most.

take a breather and move to a different scene. maybe you will find what you are looking for there.
and maybe...just maybe

you will start to live again.

tawa

2010-05-06T20:19:00.002+08:00

nakakainggit na kaya nyong magpakasaya
sige tawa pa..
na kayang kaya nyong gawing biro ang lahat

isantabi muna lahat ng problema para sa sandaling ligaya
sa lahat ng mga naidadaan nyo ng konting biro
sa udyok at hirit ng mga kapwa nyo komikero
di bale ng may masagasaan
di bale ng magpakamanhid
ang importante yung nagkakasiyahan kayo

tawa lang sige..pagtawanan nyo pa.
dyan kayo magaling.
dyan kayo masaya.
sige lang.
tawa pa

hango mula sa maraming tagpo blg.3

2010-04-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

ang sulating ito ay gawa gawa lamang. ang anumang mga pangalan, mga karakter, lugar at pangyayari na nabanggit dito ay panay ang produkto ng imahinasyon ng may-akda. anumang pagkakahawig sa tunay na pangyayari, lugar o mga taong nakatira o patay na, ay lubos na hindi sinasadya.

ikatlong yugto: tuso

Nagpapakatanga lang ba talaga si Boyet? Bakit di nya maipaliwanag sa sarili ang mga nangyayari? Parang walang payo o rason na tumatatak sa isip nya. Ilang beses man syang kinukumbinsi ukol sa mga bagay na pinoproblema nya ngayon pero wala pa rin. Ilalaan na lang nya ang tiwala na ang lahat ng bagay ay magbibigay linaw sa takdang panahon.

Sa kabilang dako, ilang oras na ring naiwang nag aantay si Gigi. Halos mangalahati na pagkakaubos ng sigarilyong kanyang hawak hawak ngunit di pa nya nahihithit. Hindi rin alintala na nakakarami na syang nasindihang yosi. Mahigit kalahati na ang laman ng kaha ng yosi ang kanyang naubos. Halos matulala at iniisip nya kung nasaan ang kanyang pinsang si Annie.

Alam nya kung ano ang ginagawa ni Annie sa mga oras na ito. Madalas na rin nilang napagtatalunan ang tungkol dito. Parang nagsawa na rin sya paulit ulit na sinasabi nya para mapagtakpan si Annie kapag tinatanong sya ng kanyang tiya. At sa mapagbirong tadhana ay parang nadagdagan pa ang kanyang pagiisip ng kausapin sya ni Ferdi tungkol sa nangyayari kay Boyet.

Sa totoo lang ay pagod na rin sya sa pagbibigay ng payo kay Boyet. May pagkakataon na rin na halos magdamagan na nilang kinukumbinsi ng kanyang kasintahang si Ferdi si Boyet na bumitiw na pero kahit anong pilit di pa rin nila makumbinsi ito. Kung mamumuti man ang uwak sa pag-aantay nilang mabago ang isip ni Boyet sa tangka nilang pagkumbinsi ay napakalabong mangyari.

Nakikita nila ang sitwasyon ni Boyet. At para kay Gigi, hindi na awa ang nararamdaman nya para kay Boyet sa ngayon kung hindi pagkainis. Hindi na nya makuhang maawa kay Boyet pagkat nakikita naman nyang alam ni Boyet ang ginagawa nya. Alam ni Boyet ang nangyayari sa kanyang paligid pero mas pinipili pa nyang magpaka bulag, pipi at bingi sa katangahan. Inilihis na lamang nya ang pagiisip sa problema ni Boyet at binalik ang atensyon sa kanyang pinsang si Annie.

Kung dati rati ay galit sya kapag ginagawa ni Annie ang mga bagay na kinasusuklaman nya ngayon ay parang napalitan na ito ng paghanga. Sa paraang unti-unti syang minumulat ni Annie sa mga ideyang takot syang subukan. Sa mga pagkakataong nagsasalita si Annie at napapakinggan nya ito ay parang naGiging proud sya sa kanyang pagiging pagkababae.

Na hindi sa lahat ng oras babae ang talo sa laro, minsan inaakala mo lang yun pero sa totoo, babae ang nagwawagi. Di sila ang madalas na biktima. Bagkus sila ay hindi tanga pagdating sa laro sa kama. Sa ideyang pinapamulat ni Annie sa pinsan nya, babae ang bida.

Simple lang kasi si Gigi. Kung ikukumpara kay Annie sa pananamit o sa kilos man. Mahinhin si Gigi at kung manamit ay simple lang rin. Simpleng blouse na tineternohan nya ng maong na pantaloon at palagi syang naka pony tail. Sa kabilang dako naman ay si Annie, walang takot si Annie. Palaban. Matalino at kung manamit ay aakalain mong isang mayaman. Sexy kung manamit si Annie, hilig nya ang magsuot ng mga mini skirt na parati nyang binabagayan ng mga stiletto. Mas naipapakita ang hubog ng katawan ni Annie kapag ganyan ang suot nya at nadadala naman nya ang damit nya ng hindi sya mapagkakamalang bastusin o pakawala. Hindi naman nakikita ang hubog ng katawan ni Gigi sapagkat sya ay parating naka closed-neck na blouse. Kapag nakikita si Gigi ni Annie ay hindi sya nakakaligtas sa pambabatikos nito sa pananamit. Hindi raw sya isang ehemplo ng babaeng conservative kung hindi isang babaeng mapagpanggap.

Sapagkat ayaw nyang pagbigyan ng laya ang kanyang pakiramdam na sexual. Dahilan ni Annie na tinatago ni Gigi ang kanyang alindog sa mga taong tumitingin. Pinipigil nya ang mga urge nyang mang-akit.

Sa isang banda kapag nililitanyahan na siya ni Annie ng ganito patungkol sa libog ng kanyang katawan ay lihim na naaarouse sya. Nabubuhay ang kanyang pagkababae sa ideyang binibigay ni Annie na malibog ang katawang tao natin sa mundo, at nasa kanila lamang kung paano nila isisimbulat sa sarili ang kalibugan ng katawan nila.

Labag man sa kalooban nya pero aminado rin naman syang may punto ang sinasabi ni Annie. Nasa tao mismo kung paano nila ipapaalala ang kanilang kamalayan sa masidhing tawag ng laman. Minsan na rin nyang binusisi kung bakit nakakayanan ni Annie na manlalake habang nasa isang relasyon pa sya, iba kasi ang iniisip ni Gigi. Para sa kanya ang lahat ng mga nasa relasyon ay pinapangarap nila na sa sila na ang magkakatuluyan balang araw.

Tinawanan lang sya ni Annie sa pagkakasabi nya dito. Isang tawang pang kontrabida. At sinagot ang tanong nya

“wala namang problema samin ng boyfriend ko sa ngayon. Kung possible ngang magmahal ang isang tao na higit sa sarili nya e masasabi ko ngang mahal nya ako. Pero sa tagal na namin e masyado na akong at ease sa kanya. Tumaas na yung comfort level naming sa isa’t isa na parang kaya ko ng ipredict kung ano ang mga susunod na mangyayari sa kilos nya at sasabihin. Wala na tuloy excitement”
Di masyadong maintindihan ni Gigi ang mga sinasabi ni Annie. Bakas ito sa mukha nya ang agam-agam kaya tinuloy ni Annie ang sinasabi nya.

“wala ng excitement sexually. I mean, active naman ang sex life namin pero habang tumatagal e parang kabisado ko na sya. Alam ko na kung san sya hahalikan para mapaungol ng matindi o kung saan ko ilalagay ang kamay ko para may gawin akong ikatutuwa nya. Sa ganyang dahilan e parang nakukulangan na ko. Feeling ko may kulang na samin.”

“so jinujustify mo lang ang kagagahan mo para masatisfy ang sexual urges mo? Para sa sexual gratifications mo? Ganun?”

“Loka! Ganito kasi yun, alisin mo muna sa isip mo na ako ang topic natin at gawin nating buhay ng tao as a whole ang paguusapan natin ok?”

“ano sa palagay mo ang pwedeng gawin ng tao para maging worth while at memorable ang pananatili nya sa mundo?” tanong ni Annie.

“simple lang, makatapos ng pag aaral, magkatrabaho at magkaron ng maayos na pamilya at magka-anak syempre. Tapos maging successful ka sa career mo, then mayaman na ko.”

“ano naman ang mangyayari pagnamatay ka?” tanong ni Annie kay Gigi.

“mamatay akong fulfilled. Na alam kong mamatay akong naging makabuluhan ang buhay ko habang nabubuhay ako sa mundo.”

“AMEN!! Palakpakan!!”
Pangaalaska ni Annie kay Gigi.

“Gigi alam mo namang lahat ng tao ay ipinapanganak na nakaprograma na ang gagawin nila biologically di ba? Logically ginagawa natin yan. Dapat ganito yan o ganito ang paraan naman ng isa. Pano naman ang aspetong pilosopikal? Sa lahat ng nararamdaman o gagawin ng tao dumadaan lahat yan sa utak tapos gagamitan mo ng logic para iset aside kung tama ba o mali yung mga yun.”

“hello Annie, logic rin ang gamit ng tao para magkaroon ng philosophical reasoning”

“ang logic my dear ay bunga ng mga sama samang idea ng pagbabawal sa aspeto ng social, religious at tradition ng tao. Halimbawa na lang ang pakikipag sex ng walang kasal ay mali dahil yun ang sabi ng simbahan. Logic yon. Sa pilosopiya naman ng tao, nabubuo yan kapag kinakailangan nyang pangatwiranan ang mga ginagawa nya sa mga restrictions na sinet aside ng social traditional o maging religious aspect ng tao.“

“so sinasabi mong tama o mali man ang gawin ng tao ay nasa tao mismo yun basta kaya nyang panindigan kung tama man o mali yun?

“hindi. Ang pilosopiya ay yung paano laging magiging tama ang ginagawa ng tao. Di ba ang sarili rin naman ang magpapasya kung ano ang makakabuti par a sa kanya tama?”

“ so saan naman pumapasok ang mga panlalake mo dyan?”

Tumawa ulit si Annie na parang nakakaloko. Ang halakhak na alam mong totoo at nakikita pa ang dimples nya.

“ang pinakamataas na antas ng pilosopiyang kayang abutin ng tao ay ang pagiging sexual. Bakit kamo? Kasi ito yung pinakabawal gawin sa kadahilanang di mo sya pwedeng ipaalam sa ibang tao ng bulgaran. Nakikita na yung pinakamakabuluhang moment ng tao ay kapag nag orgasm na sya sa habang may kasex o nasa isang sexual setting.”

“err..”

“iyon na nga yun.”

“ang alin?”

“pag nagoorgasm ang tao nagkakaron ng pinakamataas na antas ng pagiisip ang isang tao. Sa orgasm, sa libog, sa paraan ng pagiging sexual nya naipapakita at napapangatawanan na tama ang ginagawa nya.”

“pero san pumapasok nga yung panlalalake mo aber? Ginagamitan mo lang ako ng pagkapilosopo mo pero di mo parin maipaliwanag kung bakit nakakaya mong manlalake e may boy friend ka naman na?”
Tumawa ulit si Annie. akmang sasagutin na sana nya si Gigi ng biglang tumunog ang cellphone nya. Tumatawag ang boyfriend nya “sa susunod na natin pagusapan yang tungkol dyan insan ok?” sabay kindat at labas ng pinto.

Naiwan si Gigi sa kwartong naiinis.

*itutuloy*

hango mula sa maraming tagpo blg.2

2010-04-27T22:38:00.001+08:00

ikalawang yugto: sirang plaka

sa panahong hindi nya kailangang lumipad ang diwa nya ay sya naman itong dumating. maaaring ito ang sagot sa kanya ng kanyang isip para libangin ang sarili at para ipagpaliban muna ang pagkabigong nasa harap nya. nakailang buzz na pala ang kaibigan nyang si ferdi bago nya namalayan ang mga mensahe sa kanya.

- tol gimik tayo.

kinuha nya ang cellphone at tinawagan nya ito.

minsan na nyang naikwento dito ang tungkol sa kanyang ivette. tahimik na nakinig si ferdi sa kanya habang
nilalahad nya ang istorya ng buhay nya at kung paano nya nakasalamuha si ivette. pero ilang beses na nga ba
nangyari ang ganitong tagpo? sa dami ay di na nya mabilang.

mabuting kaibigan si ferdi, may katagalan na rin nyang kilala si boyet. at sa loob ng panahong yun ay masasabi
nyang kilala nya ang kaibigan at alam nya ang pakiramdam ng pinagdaraanan nito.

"tara nga gimik na tayo"

"may ginagawa ako next time na lang" sagot ni boyet.

"tangna pare alam kong wala kang ginagawa at nagaantay ka na naman sa wala"

di kumikibo si boyet sa mga sinasabi ni ferdi.

"so ano nagbunga naman ba ang pagaantay mo?"

katahimikan.

"busy nga ako pre sa susunod na lang"

"tangna bumitaw ka na lang tol"

"di nga ako pwede kailangan ko pang ipasa mamaya na deadline nito"
alam nya kung ano ang tinutukoy ni ferdi. pilit lang niyang nililihis ang sagot nya sa gustong pagusapan ni ferdi

isang diretsong sagot ang binitawan ni ferdi
"tol ano bang ginagawa mo? di mo ba makitang walang patutunguhan yan?"

"matagal na kitang kilala e sa tingin mo worth it yang ginagawa mo?"

"pre magkakapera ako dito sa gimik wala. gagastos pa ko"

"sanay na sanay ka na dyan no?"
hirit ni ferdi.

"ha?"

"no offense pre, pero wag ka ng umasa. wala talagang patutunguhan yang ginagawa mo."

"tigilan mo na yang pagiging martyr mo"

"wag ka ng umasa sa taong di ka naman mahal"

naging sunod sunod at matatalim ang mga litanyang binitawan ng kaibigan. parang sinasaksak sya ng mga di makitang punyal sa dibdib nya. at di pa dun natapos si ferdi.

"pare maniwala ka di lang sya ang babae sa mundo madami pa dyan. tangna gusto mo ipahanap kita kay gigi?"

"alam ko na yang pakiramdam kung pano magpakamartyr"
gustong humirit ni boyet sa huling sinabi ni ferdi, sa utak nya sya nakipagtalo at inisip na
"mali ka, hindi mo alam kung ano yung nararamdaman ko. wala sa inyong nakakaalam kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko. kahit ako nga di ko maipaliwanag kung ano at pano ko nadarama to." bumalik sya sa paguusap ng nagwika ulit si ferdi.

" hanggang kelan mo balak dibdibin yan?" kaunting katahimikan at winika ni boyet na

"hanggang kaya ko pa."

"tangna ikaw na ang epitome ng katangahan"

"hahaha gago"

idinaan na lang ni boyet sa tawa ang huling hirit ng kaibigan. isang pekeng halak. bago binababa and tawag ng kaibigan at naputol ang usapan.

napaisip sya kung namaster na nga nya ang pagiging tanga. ang pagtanga-tangahan sa mga pagkakataong alam nya ang mga dapat gawin. ang pagtakip ng mata sa reyalidad at pagtakas sa malapantasyang mundo ng pag-ibig. ang pagsaalang alang ng kung anong meron sya para sa kanyang minamahal.

totoong bulag sa pagibig.

pinili nyang manahimik muna panandalian. ilang beses na ba nangyari ito?. makailang araw na rin simula ng
huli silang nagusap ni ivette, ngunit pagkalipas ng ilang araw na madaratnan nya sya at magkakausap sila kahit wala pang lima o sampung minuto ay para na syang nasa langit.andun ang normal na usapin at kamustahan tungkol sa nangyari sa araw nya? kung kumakain ba sya sa tamang oras? pero hindi nya direktang maitanong kung bakit sya nagiging mailap? wala syang lakas ng loob gawin ito. pakiramdam nya ay wala syang arapatang gawin ito. di nya pag aari si ivette. walang sino man ang pwedeng magmay-ari sa isang tao kundi ang kanilang sarili mismo. nais nyang ilugar ang sarili kung saan sya nararapat. iyon ang pilit nyang ikinokondisyon sa sarili.

Gusto nyang tanungin kung ano ba talaga ang kulang sa sarili nya? o sadya lang ba syang loser? lalo kasing nangingibabaw ang pakiramdam nyang wag bumitiw pag naaalala nya ito. hindi man malinaw kung ano ang meron sya para kay ivette at di rin maihalintulad ito sa isang relasyon ng tulad ng kay ferdi at gigi pero ayaw ni boyet na umayaw na syang talunan. alam nya na kapag bumitiw sya, para na rin nyang inamin na totoo nga syang talunan.

hindi rin maipaliwanag ni boyet na kapag naguusap sila ay talo lahat ng rason nya. na kahit anong mood nya, kung galit man o nanlulumo ay di umuubra kapag kausap nya si ivette. nahuhulog sya sa bawat salitang binibitawan ni ivette at sa kung paano sya mag isip.

alam rin nya na mahina sya pagdating sa pagibig. na parang kinakailangan pa nya ng solidong bagay na ubod ng linaw para ipaliwanag sa kanya kung anong nararapat na emosyon ang dapat nyang maramdaman para maintindihan nya yun. ang pakiramdam na kailangan 3D pa ang paraan, isang napakakomplikadong paraan para lang sa napakaliit na bagay.

hindi rin nya maipaliwanag kung bakit nararamdaman nya ang sakit sa pagkakataong nangungulila sya kay ivette? na parang hindi na sya kabilang sa mundong ginagalawan ni ivette. unti-unti na nga bang nabubura ang existense nya sa buhay ni ivette?

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh!"

nilamukos pa ni boyet ang mukha at sinabunutan ang buhok nya. hindi na nya maituloy ang pakikipagtalo sa sarili at sa kung anong nararamdaman nya kaya muli na lang syang humiga sa kama.

hindi nagtagal ay bumangon rin sya mula sa pagkakahiga at sumandal sa sulok. hindi pa rin nawawala sa isipan nya ang imahe ni ivette. makakausap pa kaya niya ito? sa mga nakakaalam kung nasan man sya ay wala syang makuhanang impormasyon o mapagtanungan man lang. kung meron man, walang gustong magsabi. walang gustong magbahagi ng impormasyon.

marami na syang naiisip patungkol rito. kulang na lang ay sumabog na ang bungo nya kakaisip. hindi na alam ni boyet ang gagawin. kaya inumpog na lang nya ang ulo nya sa pader na malapit sa kanya. makailang ulit rin nyang ginawa ang pagumpog ng ulo sa pader.

paulit ulit hanggang sa napagod sya at natulog na lamang.

*itutuloy*

hango mula sa maraming tagpo blg.1

2010-04-26T23:15:00.002+08:00

tahimik ang paligid pero nabibingi na sya sa kabog ng kanyang dibdib. nararamdaman na nya ulit ang pagbigat ng pakiramdam nya.dinadalaw na ulit siya ng pakiramdam na parang nauubusan ng hangin. hindi rin sya mapakali. kailangan ni boyet ng "distraction" at pilit nyang inkinokondisyon ang sarili. humablot siya ng isang libro mula sa estante. humiga sya sa kama at nagtangkang magbasa. mahigit isang oras na ang nakakalipas ngunit wala pa ring tumatatak sa isip nya. pinagpaliban nya ang pagbabasa at kumuha ng papel at kung ano mang panulat na una nyang mahawakan. nagsimula naman syang gumuhit. sa pagkakataong yoon ay wala pa ring pinagbago. bigo pa rin sya sa kanyang tangkang ibaling ang isip sa ibang gawain.

wala syang matapos sa mga nasimulan nya. at patindi pa rin ng patindi ang pagkabog ng dibdib nya. parang may nararamdaman syang galit sa dibdib nya. galit na di nya maipaliwanag. pakiramdam na hindi naman sa galit talaga. o sadyang di lang nya maipaliwanag kung saan ba talaga galing ang pakiramdam na ito.kung saan man ito nanggaling ay pilit niyang kinakalimutan. nagsimula na syang pagpawisan ng malamig. halos mamuti na ang kanyang kamao sa higpit ng pagkakasara nito. hindi rin nya alintanang nanginginig na ang kanyang kamay. ilang ulit nyang sinuntok ang pader na malapit sa kanya para manumbalik ang pakiramdam. ngunit bigo siya. walang epekto. di pa nya nararamdaman ang sakit na dulot ng huli nyang ginawa.

bumalik sya sa pagkakahiga at sinubukan ulit niyang pumikit at hinayaang maglakbay ang diwa nya kung saan man palarin. ngunit kahit anong pilit niya ay bumabalik pa rin ang imahe ng kanyang minamahal. pilit man nyang ibahin ang iniisip. hanggat maaari ay ayaw niyang isipin ang kahit na ano na magpapaalala sa kanya patungkol kay ivette. subalit parang nanunuksong pilit ang kanyang diwa na paulit ulit syang kinukutya sa kanyang isipan ng mga bagay patungkol kay ivette.

naalala nya ang mga mata ng kanyang mahal, ang pinakapaborito nyang parte ng katawan ni ivette. ang mga matang nangungusap. ang mga matang nagbibigay liwanag sa kanya. ang mga matang nagbibigay buhay sa mga araw nyang parang lugmok sa pagod, problema at kung ano-ano pa. ang mga mata ni ivette na nagbibigay laya sa kanya. ang mga matang nakakahumaling. mga mata ni ivette.

may mga pagkakataon rin na parang sunod-sunuran sya sa mga naisin nya. mga pagkakataong nais nyang mas lalong mapalapit kay ivette. sa mga paraang minsan ay nakakalimot na sya sa sarili. mga panahong kung ano man ang naisin ay kanyang susundin at gagawin. may pagkakataong nasasaktan na rin nya ang sarili ngunit di nya ito iniinda, basta mapaligaya nya ang kanyang mahal. lahat ng sakit ay balewala. kung maaari lang isanla ang sarili o maging ang kaluluwa at buong pagkatao para lang sa ikaliligaya ni ivette ay gagawin nya. hindi rin maipaliwanag ni boyet kung bakit ganun katindi ang pagkahumaling nya sa dalaga.

minulat nya ang kanyang mga mata at sinulyapang uli ang litrato ni ivette sa kanyang cellphone. makailang ulit na rin syang nakipagtalo sa sarili na iwasan ang ganitong pagkakataon ngunit sadyang nahihirapan syang gawin ang bagay na ito. pinipigilan nyang wag na ulit magiwan ng mensahe para mangamusta at ipaalalang narito pa rin sya na handang tanggapin kung ano mang oras nya naising bumalik. di na rin mabilang ang pagkakataong nabigo sya at umaasang makakatanggap sya ng kasagutang hindi pa rin dumadating.

"ano na kaya ang ginagawa nya?"

muli na naman syang napaisip kahit na nais nyang wag munang mag-alala at hayaan na lamang munang ito. pero hindi ganun ang nangyari.

nagbukas na lang sya ng computer. nagbakasakali uling merong sagot sa kanyang mga unang tanong at pangangamusta. kahit na napakalaking tsansang wala syang mababasa, umasa pa rin sya. at hindi nga sya pumalya. tama ang hula nya..

wala ngang mensahe galing sa kanya.

*itutuloy*

panaginip lang

2010-04-25T01:09:00.000+08:00

panibagong araw na naman sa buhay ko. nakakarindi na ang mga ingay sa labas ng silid. hindi pa rin sya bumabangon. para saan pa? tanong nya sa sarili. wala rin namang nangyayari sa buhay nya. minsan na nyang nagtanggkang baguhin ang dating nakaugalian ng gawain, ngunit sya'y bigo at nauwi lang sya sa paglulugmok sa kanyang silid.

pagkabigo

paulit ulit na lang bang daramdamin ito? iniinda ko na to ng ilang ulit. makailang beses ko na rin sinubukan. nabigo pa rin. sa palagay ko magiging manhid na ko kung paulit ulit na mangyari to. para di na sumakit.pero alam mo bakit ganun? parang sa ibang pagkakataon ka lang nakararamdam ng pamamanhid? pero pagdating dun. daig mo pa ang kinukuhanan ng sariling hangin. na parang may dagandagan sa dibdib mong mabigat na bagay na di mo basta maalis sa kadahilanang di mo to makita, at di mo rin mahawakan pero ang bigat ay andun.

paninibugho?

oo ramdam ko rin yan, sabi nya sa sarili. sa paglingon ko may nakikita akong meron sila na wala ako. sa simula di ko naman iniinda e. nabubuhay ako, sapat na yun. pero bakit parang di sapat ang itinutulak ng isip mong sapat na, bakit kailangan mo pang ihangad ang kung anong meron ang iba? magarang bahay, magandang sasakyan o makabagong kagamitan..lahat yan panandalian lang. nawawalan rin yan ng halaga pag naluma na. pero pano sa ibang bagay na wala ako sa ngayon? mga bagay na di naman nabibili...mga tipong walang kwenta sa iba, kasiyahan? pagibig? pagkalinga? mga bagay na winawaldas o isinasawalang bahala ng ibang tao. bakit kailangan kong makamtan to? naiinggit ba ko sa kanila? porket ba may kakayahan silang gawin ang mga naisin nila? na kaya nilang maging masaya sa mga oras na gugustuhin nila? na may mga nakakapagbigay sa kanila ng pagibig at pagkalinga na pilit mong tinatangkang kunin? oo napagtanto ko ngang inggit ito.

marami pa kong gustong itanong sa sarili ko.naging sakim na ba ako? naging mataas na ba ang mga ninanais ko kung kaya't di ko to lahat makuha? masyado ata akong naging gahamad sa paghingi ng kaunting kasiyahan.. pag ibig? naniniwala pa ko dyan. umaasa na kahit sa ganitong kalagayan ko may iibig rin sakin. pero parang nasumpa ata ako na at ang mga iniibig ko, sya naman umiibig sa iba. nauuwi at babalik na lang uli sa pagkabigo.

pero nananaginip lang ata ako. pakigising naman ako. baka sakaling pinaglalaruan lang ako ng isip ko. binabangungot na ba ako ng gising? ang akala ko pag nanaginip ako ng gising nagiging maganda ang kinalalabasan ng mga pangyayari. ewan ko. maaaring tama ako..pwede ring hindi.

sa ngayon.

dun lang ako nalungkot.

hold on for another day

2010-04-24T22:42:00.002+08:00

and i put all my faith in my word that i would not leave you. yes i believe i had said that and i still stood by it.
even though it may not seem right to others. even if it hurts as hell i will be here. as long as i can endure it. as long as i am breathing still. the question that i have asked myself is "until when?"

i think i can still hold it all for now. i can hold on for one more day...and if the day comes that i would feel like losing it all i would still hold on for another day. even though it is eating me piece by piece daily i would not lose myself. you do not need to worry about that. what i am most afraid of is losing you.

that is why for as long as i can hold on for one more day i know i will be free. yeah fuck all the pain that i am feeling. they have been there for as long as i can remember. i will endure them all. just for a moment of complete bliss and happiness.

so i will be holding on..

hiwaga ng "yun lang"

2010-04-20T03:49:00.000+08:00

eksena *insert lugar na angkop sa sitwasyon*

tauhan1: "pre' namimiss ko *insert name of special someone*"
tauhan2: oh, bakit di mo kausapin?
tauhan1: di ko rin kasi alam e. wala rin akong balita sa kanya
tauhan2: eh puntahan mo na lang kaya? di mo itext or email? tawagan na lang kaya? madami namang paraan dyan
tauhan1: malabong maitext. sa email? nakapagsend na ako. wala pang sagot e. tawag? kamusta naman san ko sya tatawagan di ko alam ang number nya dun.
tauhan2: sus puntahan mo na lang para mawala mga agam-agam mo
tauhan1: gustong gusto kong pumunta... di pa nga lang pwede sa ngayon. nasa malayong lugar e. maraming kailangang gawin para makapunta dun, sa ngayon imposible pa ata yun..
tauhan2: sus naman nasan ba sya?
tauhan1: ibang bansa pre. alam mo naman ang estado ko ngayon di ba?
tauhan2: yun lang.

sa mga pagkakataon na kailangan mo nga mairarason o maihihirit ngunit parang naisip mo na parang pang checkmate ang huling statement ng kausap mo ay mauuwi ka sa pagbitiw ng salitang "yun lang"

pero "yun" na lang nga ba ang tamang paraan o tamang isagot? hindi ba maaaring mas malawak pa dito ang maibigay mong opinion mo? maraming saklaw ang "yun" na pwede mong itukoy. depende sa tao, tama ba? maaaring sumasang ayon ka sa dahilan ng kausap mo, pero sa isang banda e parang may gusto ka pa ring sabihin pero napagtanto mo na sarilinin na lang to. maaari ring parang nadisappoint ka sa rason o sinabi ng kausap mo. kung titignan na parang wala na ngang magagawa at ganyan ang sitwasyon. wala na kong maitutulong o kaya naman e wala talaga syang pakialam sa sinasabi mo.

malabo? oo hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin talaga mahanap ang magandang paliwanag o rason para sa sagot na "yun lang"

kaya sa ngayon magpapakaliwaliw na lang ako sa usok ng pagkabigo.baka sakaling mahanap ang kasagutan sa pamamagitan ng panlilinlang sa sarili gamit ang mga matatamis na pangakong kaya kong bitawan ngunit di agad maisasakatuparan. pait ng tadhana. konting rekados na lang pwede ng kanin baboy.

yun lang.

short story: grim

2010-04-18T12:23:00.000+08:00

"give it back!"

Another shout was thrown in the air. The helpless boy then coils around in the ground. Lying helpless amidst the cold floor of the room, he shook and trembled. He barely has enough clothes to shield him from the cold damp floor of his barren and broken home. He was still trembling yet he remained from the position where he was left. Another cry was uttered.

“give it back please..”

This time he heard enough. He immediately covered his ears with his cold and trembling hands. Shutting all sounds the moment his hands touched his ears. Then there was silence. Little did he knew, he had just passed out.

In his dream it was different. Everything around him seems exactly the opposite of what his life has been. He was wearing comfortable clothes now. The room he was in was sparkling bright with cleanliness. The bed he was lying in was as soft as cotton. He felt like he was in drifting in the clouds. Everything seems perfect, till the time he looked at his reflection in the mirror.

His reflection was entirely different. It surprised him so hard that he fell back down upon gazing at his reflection. “that is not me” he mused. The reflection stared back at him while he sat on floor. Confused and scared, he summoned up all his courage and gave the mirror a quick glance. The reflection was looking straight at him. He was uttering something. Words seem so vague for him to understand the meaning of what the reflection was telling him. Deep down inside he knew what those words were.

“give it back”

“please stay away!” he shouts back at the mirror then ran outside. The reflection stayed on the mirror, crying and felt lost.

The boy kept on running. He passed by strangers who kept on calling at him. He ran as fast as he can, covering his ears as he ventured towards the woods. When he felt like he ran far enough, he broke down and cried.

He was faced down and whimpering still. As tears ran across his face, he goes again to his favorite position. The position he feels safe and secure. While sucking on his thumb, he coils down again crying in a fetal position then he fell asleep.

This was not what he wanted at all. He kept telling himself that. But then who knew that this would happen after that fateful incident.

It was a very unfortunate time to be lost in the woods. He regretted the time when he stubbornly took a detour into an unusual path. The path leaded him to the deeper part of the woods. The path where even the trees began to wither and grass ceased to grew. It was the first time he got lost in the woods and there is no one out there to save him. He was all by himself now. He sucked it up even though tears are lining up his eyes. He retraced his steps only to found out that he was walking in circles. He tried to lay down markers along the way but when he turned back the marker vanishes without a trace. It was becoming late, and darkness is eating its way across the sky. The light was slowly fading and the fog was now becoming thicker by the minute.

Then a shriek from a bird echoed so loud he jumped out of fear and ran. He ran and got cut up by low branches from dead trees. He ignored the pain ran and ran. He thought he heard laughter coming from behind him. he grabbed a thick piece of wood and ran while his eyes were closed and swinging his arm blindly as he moves forward. He ran as far as he could until he tripped on something and fell face first into a swamp.

He stood up and came to see what he tripped him and saw another body. The body was mutilated horridly. He backed away from it quickly. He felt more afraid and hit something again. This time he hit a person’s leg.

He looked up then all he could see was darkness.

He woke up to the pain from his head. His head felt like it was splitting in two. He tried to touch it only to found out he was bounded across a tree. Someone was rustling near the fire he cannot see clearly for this person’s back was facing him. He tried to ask him who the person was but all he could utter was a moan. The person looked back at him and showed his crooked teeth at him. He was balding with hair tossed around like he was pulling it out by force. He was wearing rags and dirty clothes with feet as black as coal.

The man asked the boy to remain still and wait for his turn as he was just about to finish with his meal. The boy focused till he saw what the man doing a ritual. It was the body of a boy that he tripped on a while ago. But what was weird was that the more he nears to finish the ritual the more the body became healthy. He focused as hard as he can to see what was really going on. But the pain kicks in again till he shouted and the man came to him to hit him again and then he fainted.

“it is now finished” these are the words he heard as he woke up. He was not tied up on a tree now. “where am i? and who are you?” he crawled back to see the man standing up in front of him who just smirks and laughs sheepishly without answering him.

The boy then looks around and saw that there was something different. It was still the middle of the night he thought. But something does not feel right. He asked again “who are you?” This time the man moves in closer to stare at him from head to foot and answered “I am the man who just granted what your heart desired” he was puzzled at the man’s answer. “where am i?” he asked. “you are where you want to be” the man said. He smelled of something very awful, like a mixture of garbage and decaying animal and other filthy stuffs.

He noticed something was quite different now. He was not in the woods. The man now appears to be wearing a white suit. His face was now cleanly shaven and his hair was fixed and brushed up neatly. He looked down on him and told him a few words before he left. “never look at the mirror”. He may be appearing to be clean and neat but the stink from his inner being has been seeping out of his body; at least that was how he saw him. the boy tried to recall what had happen that night, but this was stopped by another headache. A much more painful one that made him faint from the pain.

That was all he remembered. He kept on wondering what happened that night, about why did he wake up as somebody else, and about the reflection who is crying out for him to give something back.

He thought that this nightmare should stop now. He gathered all his courage to stand up and walked back to the place where he had been to.

He knew he had been always poor. an orphaned boy. His family died right in front of him. His father killed his mother and stabbed himself after. He lived by himself. He denied the fact that he was alone. He kept something from his parents, a little something to remember them by. He kept it closed to him. He made a scarf out of his mother’s favorite dress cut out from his father’s blade. It was the cloth that he used to clean his parent’s body before he put them in their graves.

He was looking for some rocks to make a gravestone for the graves but he got lost. That’s when his living nightmare began. He was now making his way near to the house where he ran out from. There are no more people here. It was dark and there were no lights in the room. He did not care anymore.

He opened the door with trembling hands. Then he slowly crept back to the room armed with a lamp that he picked and light from the kitchen. He then came back face to face with the reflection.

It was all coming back to him now. the reflection he saw now was the boy he saw on the woods. the one with the ugly man. The boy on the reflection was still crying. He called out to the reflection. The reflection stood up. With teary eyes he came running as close as he can be to talked to the boy. The boy on the reflection seemed to lighten up and said “are you going to give it back?” “give what back” the other boy answered. “my body of course” “you stole it to me, you and that man” said the reflection. “I do not know what happened” the boy then explained what had he remembered before he got hit again by the man. “LIES!!! that is not what happened!” shouted the reflection. The boy was confused about what he heard and asked back “then tell me what happened”

The boy explained that the man didn’t finished what he was doing to him. he was extracting his soul from his body when he came across them. He got knocked out by the man cause he hit him with while he was running around and blindly swinging his arms while holding a piece of wood . This had distracted the man from finishing his ritual so he hit the boy and tied it up on the tree. What the boy saw when he woke up was the ritual to eat the soul of the boy but he was surprised that the man had schemed other plans for them. He switched up their souls and locked the other soul on any reflection that the boy could look into. He told the boy that this was his punishment for ruining his ritual.

The boy was taken aback and was still shocked at what the reflection had told him. He knew now that the reason behind this nightmare was because of the failed ritual. He was about to asked the reflection on how to reverse it but failed to cause the mirror shattered by a stone. It was thrown by the man who now appears to be shifting from the ugly and dirty one to the clean and neat one. He got so terrified that he started throwing things that his hand can touch. The man just laughs as he dodge away the things that was thrown from him and moving inch by inch at the process. the boy was now cornered and again trembling in fear. He was now holding a piece of broken glass in his hand as he saw the man moving closer to him.

“you must not surrender yourself to him” said the reflection. He saw a speck of the reflection through the broken glass. The man eyed him from where he was and gave up his evilest smile at the boy who is now trapped at the corner. He was now crying in fear for his soul might be taken by this man. He was holding the broken glass hard that his hands were now cut and bleeding. “your soul will be mine child” said the man coldly.

“not in this lifetime” said the boy and without thinking about it he plunges the glass into his heart while the man screamed in horror. “NOOO!!” but it was too late the boy did what he had to. But what he saw before all life from himself faded was something else. What remained in his memory was the sight of the man.

Smiling.

on-line card

2010-04-14T23:25:00.001+08:00

the thought of you being ill
makes me feel like the skies are gray
and it surely doesn't make my day
seeing you feeling unwell

you know i always miss you
i can't seem to know what to do
and it really makes me blue
that i cant be there to take care of you

cause whenever you are sick
you know i feel incomplete
like a puzzle with a missing piece
like a wall with a missing brick

so i ask you please rest
and take good care of yourself
until the time you feel better
i know in my heart you can recover

get well soon

God, in his heaven

2010-04-04T01:37:00.002+08:00

all is right in the world.

biglaan

2010-04-01T00:06:00.000+08:00

sa isang iglap natagpuan ko ang sarili kong nakatulala at di kumikilos. nakapagtatakang gawin ko ang bagay na ito. para akong inaatake sa puso. naninikip ang dibdib ko. di ako makakilos. gising ang diwa ko. alam ko ang nangyayari sa paligid ko. napapakinggan ko pa rin ang tunog mula sa headset ko. buhay pa ako. buti naman. pero madaming tanong na bumabalot sa isip ko. bakit ako parang tuod. bakit nakikita ko ang sarili kong nakatitig lang sa harap ng monitor. parang ang layo ng tinitignan. parang nakatulala sa kawalan. gusto kong yugyugin ang sarili ko. gisingin ang sarili baka isa lamang tong panaginip. pero hindi ito isang panaginip. nanikip ulit ang dibdib ko. tinangka kong lingunin ang oras parang di pa lumilipas ang isang minuto pero parang pakiramdam ko ilang oras na akong nakapako sa kinauupuan ko. tinititigang mabuti ang mga bawat letrang lumalabas sa screen kung saan di ko pansin na tuloy tuloy lang ang aking mga daliri sa pagsalat at pagpindot ng mga letra sa keyboard. di ko pa rin lubos maisip bakit ko ginagawa to. bakit tuloy pa rin ang pagsikip ng dibdib ko? bakit wala akong ginagawa upang ibsan ang sakit na ito? kathang isip ko lang ba ang sakit? pero bakit parang namamanhid na rin ang mga braso ko? nagsisimula ng magdilim ang paningin ko. sa ilang saglit lang e parang nagunita ko na ang mga susunod na mga mangyayari. ito na ba lahat yun? muli kong binalikan lahat ng mga alaala ng aking nakalipas. binabalikbalikan ko ang mga kayang alalahanin ng isipan ko. natanong ko ulit ang - bakit? dito na lang nagtatapos ang lahat? bakit parang bumibigat lalo ang laman ng dibdib ko? bumabagal na ang aking paghinga. limang minuto pa lang ang nakakalipas. unti unti kong napansing bumabagsak ang sarili ko. mabagal. bakit parang ang tagal ng bawat sandali pero parang ilang oras na kong nakalublob sa tubig. hindi na pala ako makahinga. wala man lang akong lakas para hawakan man lang ang dibdib kong naninikip o pwersa para ibuka ang bibig ko upang sumigaw at humingi ng saklolo. at dun natapos ang lahat. sa panahon na lumagapak ang walang buhay kong katawan sa harapan ng aking kinauupuan. isang maingay na pagbagsak kasunod ng nakakabinging katahimikan. inabot lang ng mahigit labing limang minuto ang lahat ng nangyari na parang pitong oras ang itinagal.hindi na nasundan ang mga pangyayari pagtapos nun...

the last 3 words over and over again

2010-03-31T21:58:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry..

i worry so much
for me being selfish
for i cry and long for you
even though i can't be with you

...yet

i hurt you,

it's my fault i admit it
that we are in this gloomy fit
the damage has been made
and tears have been shed

i apologize...

for thinking about you so much
for i look forward for your touch
that we had to argue and fight
for giving you restless night

i'm sorry

that i have to say sorry again and again
making me look that i'm close to being insane
but there is one thing that i wouldn't say sorry to
it is for the feeling that i love you..

how do i mend the wounds?

2010-03-29T14:43:00.000+08:00

i was a fool to ever thought of hurting you.
although the intention was not entirely about meaning what i said.
i know now that i should be wary of the things that i will say to you.
now i fall into a deep abyss of loneliness and regret.

i need you..
i want you here..

cause i'm afraid to lose you.
i'm sorry but i wouldn't want you to leave.
call me selfish or whatever.

just stay.

please?

with a touch of melancholy

2010-03-23T04:19:00.000+08:00

"lost, wanting to find, love that has gone out of reach"

~Outlet 1 - fuseboxx

would i watch the curtains fall? i know this isn't over.. not yet it is. i still cling on to the thought that there would come a time that we will both watch the sun rise from the horizon and watch as it settles and rest in dawn. till i see your silhouette from a distance as you come near me and we prepare to embark our journey for another day.

i feel melancholic.

i would lie if i appear that i am alright. pretending has it's perk at times. other people doesn't seem to notice how much my heart aches as day pass by quick. it pass by so fast without you. i would trade half of what i have to get back on the days and moments that we spend time together. though fate and distance can be so cruel that it contradicts on what we want and wished for.

all will be fine soon.

i keep remembering those words as it lingers in the back of my worry filled mind. i'm such a worry-wart. it sucks to be this way. i keep telling myself to be patient and wait. wait until everything is alright and ready. until there are no more hindrances in the way. such an optimistic way of seeing things. i can do that. but would you forgive for times that i fail to do this and entertain pessimistic thoughts of having the thought of losing you. i can't seem to bear that thought.

for i have lost so many things in my life recently. i don't plan on including you in that part. not now. not ever..

absence makes the heart grow fonder

so i hope and pray every waking day and before i rest my weary eyes that you be safe and well. love hasn't gone out of reach. as far as i can see. thoughts of you grow fonder still, in spite of your absence.

until later my love..

the dilemma

2010-03-21T11:43:00.000+08:00

it is when you found yourself asking

"am i not good enough for you?"

letter to you

2010-03-20T01:44:00.001+08:00

to my dearest,

it seems another day has passed by without you here with me. it hurts to feel this way. the longing is unbearable but i know i have to endure and believe that you will return. i hope you can share stories about what you have been up to lately. you know how i love to hear about your day, may it be about your adventures, happiness, funny encounters or thoughts on misdeeds, trials, sufferings and failure. every thought will be entertained. it makes me feel like i'm much closer to you than i was the day before that. sharing a part of you is clearly something that i wouldn't trade anything for the world.

countless time have i browsed some of our recent conversations. i remember clearly how you react to all my comments and can even see how you smile and laugh as i tell jokes and other fun moments that we both have shared. how i miss every moment we share. i miss your smile, your laughter, i miss you.

i look at the last photograph that you gave me. the memory still lingers in my mind. how i wish i was with you in that photo or even at the time when you were playing the piano. i look at the photograph every night and have the piano recording as my lullaby before i go to sleep. it helps me relax. it helps me ease my mind. it also makes me long for you more.

i really hope for you to be doing well and that you are safe wherever you are right now. you don't need to worry about me. i can still endure the pain of longing.

my love are with you always. be safe and be well ...

until later..

ich vermisse dich.

2010-03-18T22:25:00.000+08:00

as early as the sun will rise, such a lovely view it would be. i would lie if i told you i await for the sun to rise. you know i always woke up late. i sleep for as long as i can, embracing my pillow and let the rays of sunlight lingers on my face while dreaming.

for my dreams were of you, and as far as i can recall. i would love to tell them to you. - all of it, but not till you come back. i'm saving it all up so we can stay up late and just talk, with you here by my side while we stare at the sky.

am i still dreaming? can someone shook me up now? will it be you to be there when i open my eyes?

i know it will be a long shot for now, but i believe you will be the one who will bring back what is lost within me.

be safe and be well for i will wait until you return..

bis spater mein lieber

ich liebe dich

Basag na Baso

2010-02-22T02:01:00.000+08:00

anong nangyari sa aking baso?

yun pa naman ay aking paborito.

natagpuan ko na lang na may lamat at basag-basag

nahuli pang tinatago sa ilalim ng papag.

bakit hindi mo maipaliwanag?

kung bakit duon yun nakalatag

isa-isang pinagdudugtong at pinagkakabit

bawat pirasong binabalik mo ng pilit

naisin mo man itong ayusin

mangako man na di na to uulitin

di na muli ito maibabalik sa dati

basag at may lamat na syang mananatili

sana ay hindi na lang ito ginalaw

ng magamit pa sa susunod na araw

ngunit sa masaklap na nangyaring ito

di na magkakaron uli ng gaya nitong baso

sabihin mo man na ito'y iyong papalitan ng bago

kung di ka naman bobo't kalahating gago

hindi lang naman baso ang iyong sinira

pati mga munting alaala'y iyong binura

na naging mitsa ng tuluyang pagwasak

mula as mga kamay mong pahamak.

heads up

2010-02-01T12:10:00.000+08:00

i may not be active here but im posting some of my sketches in plurk and in my facebook account.
alam ko rin wala kang pake sa nararamdaman ko. pero ang tanong ay ako ba may pake? siguro oo. so ishatapnao. ktnxbye

when morning comes

2009-12-03T05:21:00.000+08:00

as the sun will rise to another day
and morning breeze will kiss your skin
may the view be like the ocean bay
and waves of laughter won't just be a dream

when you wake up to hear the sound of my voice
followed by a sweet gentle kiss brushing your lips
make no mistake there wouldn't be unnecessary noise
looking at you is such a view i really don't want to miss

may the early morning be a special moment
that i know in my heart that is not a lie
thus taking this chance for forever to meant
and that nobody can ever deny

this is you day i know it's true
for my heart speaks only of you
and in my arms forever you shall lie
to kiss and be with you till the day i die.

excerpt from the girl in the swing

2009-11-20T20:43:00.001+08:00

how should i seek anything so trivial as comfort?
i would incur any condemnations just to lie
should i seek solace? even for the pain of loss
could i even bear to look you in the eye and cry?

as my pretensions end- so as my demented drive
where i saw reality in all of this foretold tale
cast in the shadows beyond something terribly stale
falling deeply from morn till noon up to the dewy eve

and as resentment eats every inch of my rotting body
the unbearable suffering seems to subside and concealed from shame
thus the chapter of this lonely story shall cease
but the memory of longing may haunt me even in dreams.~

longing

2009-11-18T22:06:00.005+08:00

i thought that i could see it with my own eyes
and feel it as i touch it with my bare hands
but if fate has conspired not for it to be true
then i'll spend my waking days waiting for you

please do not read

2009-10-10T02:46:00.000+08:00

little by little its beginning to engulf yourself...as you try to make a fool out of yourself pretending to be someone else who in turn really doesn't make you happy but you think will be acceptable to others...such stupidity sometimes happen..shit do happens. but nevertheless we try and cope up with the changes that the tides bring. people try to view something from their dreams and try to discriminate the real world for not having to see something that they saw, felt and want from their dreams...for their lives are driven by fantasy.i'm not saying that having a dream is wrong. what i mean is - living a dream would not be a bad idea...but do not discriminate the world for being so cold. you don't own the world for crying out loud, you're just visiting, same as i am. we have our own purpose here, we may not be here for so long yet we must do what we are capable of doing, but, be wise, for all your actions have consequences..you have to be responsible for your own actions...

grabbing the opportunity for life to start anew, that would be great, i would have lived my life differently but i may miss the people who have crossed the path that i previously chose so in turn i may wished that i should have stayed on this track,whatever life hinders to block my path i don't care, as long as things that i'm used to are there, it doesn't matter...they are there...i can spend my life to the fullest, i accepted my fate. if dying today will be my destiny who knows.. my only regret is that if i die, i only hope that i may have the chance to say goodbye to those i will be leaving behind.

--in times when my sorrow comes i want you to guide me in a way that my life would not be left astray.

looking through a dead end.

2009-10-09T03:23:00.001+08:00

have you ever look back at the things that been quite bugging you recently?

i know i have traveled this world as much as my feet goes..

you have too...

and what bothers me is that for every step i make...

i started to notice that the things that were so close to me are beginning to fall out of place..

though subconsciously you're losing the important things in your life one by one.. its doesn't stop there..

it persist like some kind of obsessive psychopath trying to murder someone due to some worship-like adoration of sorts..

but hope still lingers somewhere...

in the farthest corner of my mind i know a light may shine..

it should be there..

but why?

to save me?

to find my way home?

maybe to end it all...

i don't know..

the madness is still inside that i would have to force my way out of it for a while or maybe some distraction would help.

being busy, listening to some crap... reading a timeless novel...

listening to music to soothe your soul...

there are millions of things left to be done...

if your mind can't cope up with changes..

you might as well be dead.

for you are useless..

i don't blame you though.,..

i know we all have purposes here on this planet.

you may not know what it suppose to be for you don't ask.

the greatest foolishness of a man is not asking about things..

they rely on ignorance as an escape goat for their foolishness

if they want to learn...

it is better to ask.

my thoughts are floating now..

my mind skips from one topic to another,,,

it is meant to be that way..

nobody forces you to keep on reading....

yet you still do.

you are like me..

you thrive for this nonsense.

you want closure on things you know that not worth your time...

and you've wasted enough time already...

only to find that the ending...

is not yet through....

silence is inevitable

2009-10-08T01:57:00.000+08:00

wired against the wall

with its thorns wrapped around me

i'm kept still no way to move at all

bound by silence yet it still flows in me

shall i write to you my love?

is it lost fallen somewhere in the ground?

am i being punished from above?

or am i just waiting to be found?

untie my burden that kept me from returning

one last time, it's you that i shall be haunting

memories from deep inside are still hurting

it seems to be silent yet its clearly shouting

in vain shall i be mourning

can't help for tears to fall

i'm rolling, tossing and turning

in the end, does it matter at all?

now i hide in masks of different hue

only to be found that i'm hurting just like you

shall i cease to exist if i fail to remember

or will i forget and make it prosper

i am complicated that i know

it's all i am, got nowhere to go

if i find a piece of my conscience

shall i make it whole finding its essence?

though i know you have stopped me before

from raising my voice to end your stupidity

alas you have heard me well and with vigor

i'll slap you with words but with no profanity

i can still write my name in a shore

the tides may washed it away but at least i'm relieved

i know i have done it before

so i still have to believe...

dreaming of endless silence so it seems..

i can either run away as darkness dims

run and never look, for something is lurking in the dark

until i find the courage to stay and fight my way back.

this will be the beginning of another day

for tomorrow i will fight and seize it anyway

but in reality i know i'm just drifting away..

drifting away...

drifting away.

the tune of the wind

2009-10-07T04:40:00.001+08:00

come at me..

feel me breathe...

embrace my body as your caress my soul...

lift me up and then let me go...

take my woes, take my sorrows...

leave them be beneath the gallows...

and soon my mind will be free

as the wind will carry me.

On sadness, pretention and faith

2009-10-07T04:30:00.001+08:00

seeking my memories
from this vast ocean of sadness
following the waves of lies..
in the end i was alone

the time that i'm drifting
and shaking from coldness
i feel numb and blue
should i wait for you

this time i'll find
the memories left behind
this time i'll find
the truth beneath all these lies

in time i will find..
in time i will be fine.,
so wait for me..
this time.

=========================

the memories shaking from all the lies that you keep
should i worry for every moment that you speak?
that for every word i hear from you i cry... i weep
mourning each time cause i know deep down i'm weak

still i listen, i know my heart wont break
but in every time in every way my heart aches
the sorrows i'm reaping i know i must endure
ill stay strong for me to find the cure

it's past midnight and still i'm awake
should i sleep now for my sake?
i feel shallow and empty at the end of the day
hoping this feeling would go away

why do i lie everyday to people i meet?
pretending i'm alright when i know i'm not
should i smile and speak every time i greet?
wasting this moment that i should keep

=============================

i am a great pretender
i know what i am
i wear mask of different emotions
to hide what i feel
for them to stay away

am i wrong for disbelieving
these thoughts that haunt me when i am sleeping
should i wake on time and start preparing
for i know in time that i should be really leaving,.

==================================

come find me, i am lost
in this vast horizon of dreams
i look for the one who can see me
in reality or so it seems..

come look for me, i'm still here
i've got nowhere to run and i'm not hiding
i stay standing still and waiting
they seem so far and blurry yet so near and clear

go forward and don't look behind
for i know deep inside i'll survive
keep on searching and you will find
the reason for me to be alive.

in this moment all seems to be so clear
i know for one all will be near
the search for truth i am still looking
no matter where i look ill be back here.

mending sorrows in stillness of the night

2009-10-07T04:26:00.002+08:00

here i am once again
thinking aloud as if in pain
finding answers to questions i presume
will take more time not a minute too soon

shall i make my own decisions?
or keep on prying for others opinions?
would i find a way out of here
i feel lost looking for a way in

still i search for truths beneath the lies
in moments of trials i endure and lie
saving up some strength to go on learning
keeping promises to the one whose deserving

to say what i think is right
and hide the secrets i keep
towards the sunlight i await
in darkness where my dreams sleep

finding serenity while being alone
through repentance of sins that i atone
for the hearts i did once broke
slap my conscience till it woke

to everyone who knows this
i shout my praises to you
to some who feels the same
i share the compassion you feel too

goodbye my almost lover

2009-10-07T04:20:00.000+08:00

should i expect the pieces to fall into place?
or should i let them take another course?
shall i remove that sad look on your face?
for you to hurt me again without remorse?

maybe i could stay here by your side
for you to be happy and see your smile
i will fight the waves and break the tide
for me to get to you even just for a while

but all of this were of no use to you
for the feelings that i own have no value
warped by the idea of you loving me too
and the sad reality that my time is due

i wait for some time for these feelings to subside
tranquility didn't come no matter how hard i've tried
i pity myself for being weak and useless
for now i leave myself numb and in distress

so goodbye my almost lover, i hope this is the last
if ever you found my letter i hope you wont let it pass
as much as i want this not to end but i know it wont do
for being with me is the least that you want to

*i have made this entry last sept. 9, 2009 at 12:37pm

Mga naiwang agam agam ng nakaraan (unang buslo..sablay)

2009-10-01T01:30:00.001+08:00

habang naghahalungkat ako ng mga dadalhin ko para sa volunteer duty ko, kagabi ay may mga hindi sinasadya akong nakitang mga dokumento na kung aking sisipating mabuti ay ating malalaman na ito ay mga kasinungalingang lamang (okok) haha

ito ang aking nakalap na impormasyon ukol sa nasabing mga kasinungalingan (okok).

mga pananaw ukol *sa akin* mula sa aking kamag-aral ng ikaapat na antas sa haiskul.

POSITIBO

-magaling sa math -4
-good friend -2
-mabait -27
-nanlilibre
-kalog -4
-palatawa-2
-nakakatuwa -4
-"gentleman"
-tahimik -9
-marunong sa klase/matalino -7
-"thoughtful"-2
-magaling mag-drawing
-madaling pakisamahan/kausapin/pakiusapan -7
-magaling magcounter-strike
-masayahin-2
-matulungin-3
-simple-3
-palabiro
-di madamot
-oks lang-4
-understanding
-makulit-3
-kwela
-totoong kaibigan-2
-friendly-5
-masayang kasama
-may sense of humor -2
-ok/kwelang kasama
-cool
-mapagbigay
-sweet
-cute
-swabeng sumayaw

NEGATIBO
-pikon-4
-mapang-asar-7 (sc ng isa: pero ok lang)
-nasa loob ang kulo-2
-torpe* -4
-wala -5 = (sidecomment ng isa: technicolor kasi yan)
-kumag
-mayabang
-no comment -6
-madaldal
-makulit -3
-mabait ba o madamot ka? (confused?)/ i don't know
-masungit
-nakakapikon kapag nangaasar ng wala sa lugar
-mahilig manghiram di naman binabalik*
-careless*
-baboy sa sarili*
-tamad habambuhay*
-1 drug addict*
-minsan corny
-nagpadala ng bastos na text message (sc: haha naalala ko to wrong send e)
-bungisngis
-tamad magkulay(sa drawing)
-di kami masyadong close/di pa kilala
-"seryoso"
-minsan weird

*galing sa iisang tao lang(laki ata ng galit sakin nitong taong to haha)

**Ibang sidecomment na mahaba at hindi bullet-type**
~"Tahimik siya nang unang dating pero ng tumagal ay nahawa rin. Maingay na ngayon. Hindi gaanong mayabang slight lang. madali siyang pakiusapan kapag mabait ka sa kanya, kung hindi 'Better luck next time'". "SIMPLE - totoy MAGISIP"
~"Mabait. Okey makisama. matalino. Simple lang! Sometimes nakakatakot magalit kasi masyadong mabait! But infairness ha, bagay kayo ni *****! Uuuy! That's all!!"
~"mabait!!?, thoughtful! grabe di kita mareach!.. keep up 'd good work. no comment la ko ma-say..."
~"cute ka kaso you don't know how to yourself as a grown up man. sweet ka rin sana but you always put it in a way of 'biro' And ang pinaka naaappreciate ko sa'yo is yung pag-a-approach mo sa'kin parati, yung pagpapangiti mo sa'kin."
~"ikaw, alam mo ang lakas mong mang-asar at talagang pikon na pikon na ko sayo. ang sarap mong sapakin 'pag nang-aalaska ka. Pero nakikita ko sa'yo mabait ka at mapagbigay at saka masarap kasama."

naweirduhan ako sa mga nagsabi na ako ay "smiling face" parehong meron sa positibo at negatibo pa (doh)

may 2 kasunod pa to. baka sakaling sipagin ako e gawan ko na lang ng scanned image yung 2. kasi mas convinient (okok) pero kayo na ang maghusga kung totoo ba ito o kathang isip lamang.
(pwede magpascan sa inyo? haha)

revealing the truth to ourselves, isn't that bitter-sweet?

on roses, sunflowers and morning glories.

2009-09-21T03:49:00.000+08:00

i stumble across a flower garden in my dreams. there i saw a rose. it reminded me of someone i knew. i knelt down and plucked it. i breathed its fragrance. it surely do remind me of her. a voice asked me "does its thorns hurt you?" i answered "if i had been aware of it's thorns, maybe i wouldn't plucked it" "did you regret plucking it?" the voice asked again -"letting go of this rose would rend my heart with pain worse than a wound . oozing fresh blood from my hand, thus i am unable to let go.."
"but wouldn't it be better if you let the rose keeps it place in the soil? where she can grow more into a beautiful flower far more greater than it was before you plucked it out. by now it would soon lose its fragrance and beauty for its life and beauty were taken away from it at the time you have plucked it from the ground." the voice said as it left me wondering and the scenes have changed.

the scenery change and then found myself surrounded by sunflowers everywhere. i overheard one of them talking to the sun. "am i worth the wait?" asked the sun, "i'll wait for you." calmly said the sunflower. "won't you regret it? maybe im not worth all the trouble.." said the sun, " i will always gaze towards you with neither hate nor regret," "even through strong winds and heavy rain, i will continue to look up to you with a smile. patiently bearing the pain, while i wait for you to shine for me once more. for i will never ever feel any regret." was the last words that the sunflower has said before i was then warped to another place..

then i saw her. she was sitting by the riverside. smiling happily as i come near her. i retell her all the things that i had encountered upon my way to meet her. she listened to me attentively. not murmuring or interrupting me while i talk. she just smiled warmly. she then said something after i finished telling the story with a question "do you regret something?" i answered "not a thing. i never regret breaking the rules and being doomed to eternity for making me get to know you and express my inner most feelings of love and affection to you my dear" "it is all worth it." "but we haven't got much time," "we only had a day to meet up and spend time together, and that is all. everything will be back to the way it used to be." she reminded me. i answered "cherish me and i will cherish you, it won't be as hard and lonely anymore." a bright light shone above us. "guess it is time." she said. "i know," i replied. we hugged and kiss till the moment when we both came to be. i once again warped back to the other side of the river as she stayed on her side, being flowers of morning glories that was cursed upon us when we broke the law for having ourselves prove our love for each other. the winds blew silent and the sun sets quietly into the horizon as we stay for another year and wait for the time for us to meet once more.

on goodbyes, moving on and the drops of rain.

2009-06-17T20:02:00.000+08:00

i forgot what day is it, was it even a night? i tried asking myself that question. it didn't matter now. what matter was the moment that happen that faithful time. so how can i start something that was never meant to begin with now?

as i stood still, momentarily preoccupied by the noise of a thousands or maybe millions of rain drops as it falls on the roof, the trees, the hard pavement and on the palm of my hand. "i love the rain." someone used to tell me that when it rains it makes her happy. how i loved and treasured every single conversation that we had during those rainy days. "i love raining too, cause it makes you feel happy and i'm happy whenever you're happy." such an interesting thing to say. i meant every word, these are some of the interesting things and moment that i had treasured and will now become part of my memory. in time i will forget this, i know, for it will be replaced by another memory. a much more suitable one. but it didn't mean that it will be forgotten for that's a hard thing to do.

a time to end it all and start moving again.
-nothing is permanent in this life, we have to enjoy it while it is still there. i took every chance i get and make it as if i will never feel it again tomorrow. we all struggle to find something worthwhile and we do almost anything just to keep it. wrap it around with our arms so tight and not letting it go. guarding it so as no one would dare take it away. letting go is a hard thing to do. but like a bird who would start exploring the world and ready to spread its wings for it to fly. it needs to let go, away from it's comfort zone. it's not an easy task to begin with but it is not impossible to do. you need to put your best foot forward and start moving one step at a time. making baby steps as you go along and before you know it you are miles away from your comfort zone. parting ways is something that we need to prepare and will do eventually. we have to accept that everything is not permanent in this world. there will come a point in our life that you would feel that you need to move ahead and go forward and be away from any limited sensibilities where you are now and start making a new chapter in your life and open up new possibilities and welcome new experiences which will mold who you are from what you used to be.

-moving on the account of rain.
it started raining again as i'm laying the last few lines of this story. suddenly i felt like i like the rain, no, rather i'm starting to love it. not just it reminds me of how you love it but because i too have began to understand its worth. its like the story of a raindrop leaving its cloud. as it bravely say its final goodbyes to the cloud then proceeded to jump as high and into the horizon away from the cloud that it used to call home. it floats in the air, starting to wonder how much has it has been missing being inside the cloud that shelters it for so long and now as the droplet like any other droplet like him or her falls down embracing the wind that envelopes its entirety. as it plunges its way down to the earth , making time stands still as it views the horizon in a way that he had never seen before and prepares for the finale, the acceptance that good things never last as it kiss the pavement that he will now call home.

~ciaosu

emotions are like wild horses

2009-06-12T23:26:00.000+08:00

"tell me everything"

"i'll respect whatever your decision you make, even if this is good-bye."

"i may not know you that well; i mean, i don't know exactly who you are, but i know who you're not. And you haven't been yourself all night."*

there may be things that you've told me that i don't believe but i know that's true and it might be impossible to explain why, for life is complicated..

emotions are like wild horses.. they are untamed and free... but being untamed shouldn't be the way it is.. we should take control over it and not be control by it.

for one only understand the things that one tames..

should i let you go as it is? or should i tame you and let you tame me too?

Or do i should let you roam free? the way you should be..

*excerpt from brida - paolo coelho

forever and after

2009-05-26T22:20:00.001+08:00

my dearest,

i've missed you very very much since the last time we shared time together..its been etched in my memory that i know i will treasure for as long as i had lived..

i've been turning it over and over in my mind lately.
knowing that those times were the happiest and memorable memory that i will cherished.

i've reread our messages for at least four times now, i'd probably read it more times before im through.

i've been sitting here...looking at your picture, getting more humps like every minute. can't barely explain how such a simple thing can mean so much to me..

i've really wanted that picture more than anything else, as of this moment...well not probably more than yourself to be here instead.

i've been thinking about you my love..

i keep on wishing i could be with you.

i wanted to leave here in the worst possible ways, just so i could be with you..

but things don't look too good as of yet.. i know i did some things that made you feel bad and spoiled what used to be a good bond between us..for that i apologize..

i never been so lonesome in my life as i am right now..

im completely lost without you my love..

i never realized i could ever missed a person so much,

i dont know how much longer should till im able to be with you again my love ...

for me to tell you personally that i miss and love you...

Do i really need to do blog updates?

2009-05-26T22:16:00.000+08:00

as i sit here in front of the pc, contemplating on what im gonna do..aside from responding to some plurk posts or checking out my facebook and tagged account...i suddenly remember my blog...so what would i put in here right now?

should i post my sketch of dionisia pacquiao?

or should i tell you about my day?

~> journal entry # i dont know anymore, the date is may 11, 2009, monday, i woke up to the sound of laughter coming from outside..i reckon it's my brother probably watching whose line is it anyway from our pc..i shrugged, then do some stretchings while still in bed. then i got up...went to the toilet do some morning rituals...check to see what's going on and then my sister asks if i want to go to the mall..it might be out of boredom or the urge to go somewhere besides home so i said yes, knowing that by the next 20 minutes or so im starting to hate going through it..it rained hard and the traffic is bad..i went there and the mall is crowded by so many people and then we stroll around and bought sandals for my nephew and then eat at 4pm..my first meal of the day...then they went to get some groceries (i think this is the time when i am enlightened about my purpose of being there..im the errand boy darn..) so needless to say i still tagged along cursing to myself for forgotting my wallet, for if i got it i may go home a bit early...but nonetheless im still there and i have to do it. so after the agonizing time of going around picking something putting it in the cart,and the touble of waiting in a long line to pay for it we hail a cab then proceed to go home where i sat in a back and tried to sleep for the duration of the drive home..only to get woken up just when i get my groove to sleep cause we're near our home...so bummer...and i waited till i got my turn on using the pc. then here i am.

so what to do now?

maybe i should write a poem:

~ i wish to be near you
how i wish i was there
there's nothing i can do
to show you that i care

my words can't reach you
no matter how hard i try
i hope you know it's true
i'd rather die than just lie

.... i still think of you i hope you know that...it may be silly but i know its true for forever maybe there waiting for me to decide my fate...i sit and wait...waiting still...only to find out in the end that it is all too late...

**i posted this on my multiply blog last

May 11, '09 4:12 PM

just so you know :P

po- po-po-pokwang face

2009-04-05T15:38:00.000+08:00

i really dont know why people re going gaga for lady gaga..

im not that fond of her songs for i only see her one time on the american idol recently..wearing something that i think is utterly ridiculous and the performance is somewhat annoying... i mean it started as a mellow with her playing the piano to one of her hits "poker face".

i thought about "i see so this is the -poker face- thinggy that i've been hearing about on plurk etc." then she started to seize*, then it became somewhat disturbing for her to repeat it in the midst of playing the piano. then came the dancing and i stopped watching cause i got annoyed..

someone may ask what does pokwang has to do with this?
i dont know i think they resemble each other (lmao)

see picture for reference:

i crush you... i think i heart you na rin. lol

2009-03-27T22:43:00.000+08:00

i stumble across one time playing an online game wherein all you have to do is just point and click your mouse and some functions such as webcam capture and mic at some point... its an easy game...just point and click..hehe got a little trouble at the stairs stage and the room with the mad man...hehe cant figure it out so i use the skip button hehe.

anyway Hotel 626 is an online video game experienced from "your" point of view that begins with you waking up in your hotel room in the middle of the night hearing strange noises. You get out of bed, enter the hallway and from there, you're required to go through a series of scary-ass experiences (as challenges) in order to get yourself out of the hotel.

the one stage here at hotel626.com that i really like is the room about the girl in the bathroom :P

she looks really nice

see just like an ordinary worm baby... *shy type pa ata hehe*

then after a series of dragging and point clicking away comes this

then as time goes by and if you are really lucky capturing a piece of her ,,,,eventually she'll weaken.,she hates flashes of lights...*poor vitamin D absorption due to lack of sunshine exposure since a baby i assume*

i believe you really should capture her perfect smile...

ohh....so close...how about another one..

nearly there....

oh...lets try it again without the freaking hand and cam on the way ,,,,

there you go, aw... i am singing the BEAM toothpaste jinggle while looking at her.
*insert BEAM toothpaste jinggle here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6el4YxAgUQo&feature=related this is not the real tv ad for beam toothpaste.

here is another snap shot of her perfectly tartar and plaque filled decaying teeth

aw with matching pose. kawaii..

a little heads up

2009-03-24T13:23:00.000+08:00

recently i've been busy. yeah i kinda got the hang out being in plurk and enjoying some of the games in facebook(*though im certainly missing out on my bulletins in friendster ) anyway. i miss blogging too. hehe and as far im people am concern (*though im not really that sure*) i would like to return back to blogging by next week. hehe and hopefully i would be back with lots of updates and rants about who, what, when, where, how and why of watever comes into my mind.

and just so you know i started doing sketches again and if ever get it scanned i will upload it here for your viewing pleasure hehe

till then.

~ciaosu

literary therapy

2009-03-03T10:45:00.000+08:00

i think this is one way of releasing stress and emotions of all sorts.. i urge one of my friend to write some poems and other lit work and i would provide the means of sharing it out to other people. and here is one of the poem that my friend wrote.

UNTiTLED
by tifa

iM GONNA SLEEP CRYING
DREAM SMiLiNG
WAKE UP HOPiNG,
THAT LATER YOU'LL BE CALLiNG.
THEN WE'LL BE TALKiNG
BOTH ARE EYES WiLL BE STARiNG
AFTER THAT, WE'LL BE KiSSiNG
FOLLOWED BY US HUGGiNG.
THEN YOU'LL BE PROMiSiNG
THAT YOU'LL NEVER BE LEAViNG
FOREVER YOU'LL BE STAYiNG
FOR YOUR LOVE iS UNDYiNG.
THEN i STARTED WAKiNG
FROM MY WiSHFUL THiNKiNG
SLOWLY REALIZiNG
THAT iM JUST iMAGiNiNG
THE SMiLE'S DiSAPPEARiNG
CHEST iS HURTiNG.
MY EYES ARE SWELLiNG,
TEARS STARTED FLOWiNG

*comments, reactions and reflections are welcome and would be entertained.

blogging

2009-03-02T20:44:00.000+08:00

i wonder how other people manage their time everyday when it comes to blogging...
i for one has a no schedule rule when it comes to blogging. i blog when i want, for what i want. it all depends on the mood im in. im not used to make my blog like my online diary..diaries are meant to be personal.. and others use it as a tool for therapy. its like a tol for them to have self realization or self reflection. and then comes the matter of how i use it. hmmm i stop for a minute to think of good enough reason why i keep writing stuffs that i know and didn't know would be viewing a few minutes, hours, days or for how long until they can reach something just to waste time reading. it makes my head aches more to think about the pros and cons of online blogging.. im not even promoting or endorsing any products or places wherein i can earn money, nor am i producing any great stories of different genres for people to read. i didn't provide people with useful information about anything nor would i produce reviews for works related in literature arts and film. then why do i still use the space for blogging? why am i wasting my time letting my fingers fly and stroke out keys in rhythm that i barely knew with lyrical nonsense and with lots of typographical errors which just add loads of nonsense to doesnt even affect the world wide web.

and it all came down to two words.

" just cause."

where are the clowns?

2009-02-26T20:41:00.000+08:00

please send in some clowns...

last memory of rainfall on a gloomy monday

2009-02-24T00:51:00.000+08:00

Its been raining for quite some time this week. so much rain that it makes all moods gloomy and i feel so restless. i can hear my phone ringing. i know its her. the pattern can now be counted as a routine now. she called and said she was coming here. it was the third time this week so i noticed. i know arguing would not help for i know she was already there waiting. in a gloomy rainy monday, i picked up my black umbrella and went up to the nearest 7-11 in my block. she was waiting outside holding her red umbrella. she said her friend had dropped her off. it was raining still and the wind blows every now and then and i can see her shriveling in the cold wind's air. she looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing clothes not enough to keep her warm.

i walked up to her and said, "you shouldn't come here to see me anymore" and other stuff like how we shouldn't be together.

but she answered me with those three words and said, "I miss you."

i put it aside and told her coldly,"lets go, i'll take you home now."

she didn't open up her umbrella, its like i can see in her eyes how she wished to share just one umbrella.

i said, "open up your umbrella, we're going."

unwillingly, she opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. she tried to speak up, hesitated but then said that she hadn't eaten up lunch or anything yet and asked if we can go somewhere to eat.

right away I answered with a stoned heart, "no!"

with a disappointed look on her face she asked me to take her to the train station instead. she said she would just ride the train back home. i didn't nod or answer and just drove my way to the train station and the conversation ended.

maybe it was the rain, or i didn't notice that it was just rush hour but the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. we waited for quite some time and waited still. then i glimpsed at her only to found out hat she is looking at me innocently. being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. i can understand how she felt coming all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. with her soft eyes staring at me, i can feel the guilt eating me that it nearly wanted me to speak to her to stay up for the night.

but reality struck again and i coldly told her, "let's go try the other train station."

as we were driving to the next station a flashback crossed my mind. we were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. back then there are four of us that got along well. most of the the time we would enjoy doing the same activities like eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go out camping. we were more like a family, but it didn't occur to me that i would end up falling for her. it happened during the last year of college, having lived together under the same roof for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. but after she graduated, she went back home while i stayed for one more year to finish school. but it didn't stopped me from seeing her even though i know that taking a long trip by means of train is the only way of being with her. though we only met for brief periods, it became my most treasured memory.

we stopped about a couple of blocks away from the train station. so we got out and start walking alongside the road. she was in front of me and I was right behind her. i noticed her umbrella had a broken spoke. she looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. at times, she drifted off the road and nearly got hit by the passing cars, she might be preoccupied with thoughts about things...about what she's doing and sorts..so i thought. what i wanted was to just take her in my arms, but i did nothing and swallowed every thought of it as the pain in my stomach doubled up and i endured everything up.

we passed by the park where we used to go on the way. it was the same park we used to go to when we were still together.

with begging eyes she asked if we could stay for a moment and promised to go home after it.

my cold heart softened to her begs but i did put up an annoyed face and walked in the park and sat there trying to looked very annoyed, with the manner that i want to leave while she went to the big oak tree was looking for something. i didn't dare ask what she was looking for, for i knew what it was. it was the inscription done with a silver ink pen half a year ago. if i remember correctly it says "tim and grace drank chocolate here and would love and cherish each other forever~" she was looking around for quite a while, then came back slowly with teary eyes and told me in between sobs "tim i can't find it...it's not there anymore.."

i felt so sour inside even the constant stream of pain flowed in my heart i pretend i didn't care and said, "are you through?..can we go now?"

i didn't wait for her reply and just stood and opened up my black umbrella. she just stood there hoping to find a chance and then just blurted "you made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? i know i can be so very unreasonable but i can change. you know that, so can we please start over?"

i just looked down and shooked my head and started walking again. i know she was crying as we walked towards the station. the silent night was drowned by the sound of raindrops as it falls on the wet pavement angulfing the silent cries of grace as we go along.

it happened four years ago, the day the doctor told me i had cancer. i though it was still curable that it made me hoped that i did found it earlier. i lived my life normally. i was assured that it was just benign and that it would go away. some things are too good to be true. that i was sure off due to that a month ago, my stomach was hurting badly for two weeks straight, and sudden nightmares awoke me again and again in a daily basis. i tried to endure the pain hoping for it to go away, but it grew stronger to the point that I can't bear it anymore like it was eating me all up inside. i went back to the doctor and took up diagnostics. the shocking and dreaded news cam slamming into my face as he showed me a black spot in my xray signifying that it progressed to a point that it can't be fixed anymore. i became so confused at the moment. i deny the facts and order the doctor to redo the tests again to prove him that this wasn't mine.they redo the test and came up with the same results. i became devastated. i became so depressed that i isolate myself to the people around me. i became so foolish and plan to commit suicide. i try to hide every intentions about it, especially to grace. the person i love the most. i hide the truth to her. grace is still young. she didn't have to go through this. so i made up stories and lied to her. i know it was a cruel thing to do. it broke her heart as mine did too, but i know i didn't have a long time left and it would be easy for it to be just gone even if i had to wipe out those three wonderful years of feelings with her. i know eventually if i undergo chemo that i would just prolong the pain and agony. i can't bear to see her cry every day for me, just because im weak and with this curse thats been eating every piece of me. i knew by now im close to succeeding and this drama would be over soon. after 30 minutes and this would all be over is all i had in mind.

by the time we got to the station, it was closed. there would be no more trains running so I called a taxi for her. as were just standing there waiting and wasting our last moments of togetherness in silence i removed my umbrella and started to cry. she hadn't notice the tears as the rain washed it away from my face.

i hailed a taxi coming from the east side, i held my tears and said to her, "take care of yourself. take good care of yourself."

she didn't answered and just nodded lightly and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out in the rain while i followed behind her. we became two seperate beings there. one red and black being a bit far away from each other. i opened the door for her and she got in. i close the door that would separate us forever. i stood by the car, staring at the dark window, overlooking the first love and would be the last love of my life. the car started moving towards the street but i couldn't hold my sorrow and twist in my heart any longer that i started chasing the moving taxi, waving my arms wildly and shouting for it to stop shouting cries of her name and of the things that i wanted to tell her for i know it would be the last time for me to say so. i wanted to tell her i love her, for her to stay, to tell her so much how badly i needed her comfort, her smile and every little thing, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. as warm tears kept flowing down my face as it blended with the cold rain drops. i became empty. i feel cold, like i died then and there.

she left, and i didn't get anymore of her calls even until today. for i know she didn't see my tears. for they were washed away by the rain. i left without regrets.

but this was not tim. this is grace. and this was the last piece of memory that tim and i shared. as i found his diary a month ago in his empty apartment where he was last seen. on his bed sleeping forever. and here i am now lying in the same bed and saying my final goodbye for i will see my beloved soon.

Nuff Said

2009-02-18T19:11:00.000+08:00

at least i didn't whine or nag about what happen today right?

i think i heard you the first time but im really not buying it.

2009-02-14T21:31:00.000+08:00

i have this thing going on...its not that really important or anything. im trying to speak my mind as hard and as loud as i can...though voicing your opinions to some may appear too nagging, whiny, or just typical annoying for some matter...well i hate to agree nor would i love to disagree but what the heck. everyone is entitled to their opinions. its just that there are things that i could choose for consideration. well almost at least. lol

then comes the annoying part. yeah the day is over. im still awake. you ask why. well you know damn well i wont answer truthfully. maybe im sick, i think i have insomnia..maybe im also an addict...im addicted to staying up late and just watch time flew by and see the darkness around my eyes that would gave me another round of applause. good job. you earned it!. maybe im tired too..tired of hearing the same crap daily. making me want to go out where in i dont have any idea where to get the funds for those wicked job hunting in the worse jungle ive ever been to. shook me up now..maybe my eyes are sleepy now...can you see me wooble when i walk? or do you notice how long i yawn? i saw you looking at your watch trying to count the seconds as i gasped for oxygen deeply...maybe im suffering from hypoxia..maybe not...another day comes...same shit..would it be better? i dont thinks so..not when my mind and mood where in this state...a state that i wont tell a soul why. am i procatinating something? do i feel bored. a quick yes. do you think im saying anything new. a quikcer no. i haven't even started on narrating my view about yesterday's start of my day. and then i think im just blabbering nonesense again and again..well what's new. like hell i care. im close to thinking that im having this as my own personal therapy.

am i close to being dilusional? not quite. am i a borderline neurotic? i realy have no idea. should i call a shrink? hell if i can pay someone to listen to me. i wont bother and take the hassle of consulting someone wherein fact i know what really is wrong with me.. is there really something wrong? do you think im making shit up? hmmm questions arises and i really enjoying just typing my mind out. *well voicing it out would be appropriate if i am speaking but im not and does it really matter now? by the time you came into this part of reading my very long introduction i think you just shaved a couple of precious minutes of your time wherein you can in fact should have put it on reading the news. listening to your LSS. communicating to your someone special or maybe just being alive and enjoying the midnight sun or the scorching moon. with all this bothering nonesense do you think i have a point that i need to pin point? that my friend is what you need to know and what i want to find out myself.

after all the shenanigans and blabbering warnings and hints that i gave you, yet you still continue to browse this rhetorical nonesense and literary oblivion that i myself dont know what it means. the frequent trains of thoughts have left me wandering last night and i think i miss the bus of thoughts too.. im really enjoying the turn of events as of now. let's see what would happen next as i wake up tomorrow....well that is if i DO wake up. -ciaosu

love is in the air...and i don't care

2009-02-14T03:17:00.000+08:00

the thing is..i really don't haha..im not that bitter over the years that i spent valentines either with friends or just by myself, i really don't care..its just like any other day. a normal day for me aside from the many hassle of seeing people roam the streets hand in hand bearing bouquet of flowers and what nots everywhere...even the vendors roam the school grounds selling roses, choklets, dolls and whatnot..you're blocking the sidewalk mister kindly remove that bucket full of dilapidated roses from the cemetery...that's not nice hehe...and then there is a whole lot of mushy mushy tunes that raves the airwaves...retelling everyone that it is valentines day..."please sit back and unwind for the next tune is dedicate to the lovers that hails from (*insert place here) namely (*insert guy's name here or watever sort of endearment they call for each other) and (*same goes for the girl)..then *insert mushy tune here* hah! like i ker.

aside from the sidewalk monstrosity, mostly everywhere you go you would ought to find something with symbolics things ...paper cut out decorations, hanging shout outs of some sort, tarpaulins, banners and even people( im talking about the workers) dressing up for the occasion..well isn't that exciting?a valentine themed place for us to dine but we cant make out here maybe lets try the theater or something haha.. a valentine themed place thats been oozing for a month long maybe two (you can't put aside the pre valentines and the post valentines cant you?) oh i seem to forgot the valentine themed movies and the likes haha. everybody who is everybody knew and you don't? wth is that!?!? its like you miss forever dude..or so they say. well im not buying that whole lovey dovey crap that artists do just for the movie to sell wherein fact you knew that they are artists...its what they do..its what the're putting a hell lot of effort for..for them to earn. and for them to get attention. waw its like a bloody battle royale of whose loveteam shall last! be it dingdong-marian, kc-richard or piolo-angel, or even the unlikely tandem of sarah-john lloyd...(*basta ako pops and martin pa rin. haha) i mean i really have no issue for watever crap they want to sell..its like every romance movie has its own formula. they fight, they cry, there are the pasweety-tweety tums thing, the awful choreography and then the singing...great beard of zeus! that really is one annoying thing about it. well unless what you are watching is a musical then heck with the singing for that's what you will expect.

im kinda feeling my valentine-grinch feeling overwhelming now..seriously. well boo hoo for me to have not enjoy the day or night or watever for this occasion has to offer. i may find it overrated at some point but nonetheless it wouldn't kill for others to enjoy it. well just do it. just don't let me join you haha or you wouldn't like it. as i searched the net for something interesting i would like to give you all a hate letter :D im hoping you would find it interesting too.

1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."

*This is a love letter from a boy to a girl.. however, the girl's father does not like the boy and want them to stop seeing each other. and so knowing that the girl's father will definitely read the letter he told the girl to read only the odd numbers. well originally it was read between the lines..i assume he wrote it in a piece of paper wherein the ones in the odd numbers were placed in the spaces and the rest were in the lines get it? if you still don't then i may ask you to go ahead buy a piece of rope and tie it around your neck to ease the suffering

but what the heck is this for?? im just being fair. as i said it wouldn't kill me to at least nag and whine about my so called grouchy valentines day (*credit goes to baby cramqueencharliebee)

love nots

Just gReat!

2009-02-10T11:20:00.000+08:00

you have to force yourself to get up to be early on the interview and wait for 2 hours for the interviewer to arrive only to found out that they dont need males for their staff... the discrimination is just great.. really great. thanks for wasting my time.

R u cereal????

2009-02-08T15:34:00.000+08:00

i happen to get by sm megamall yesterday and i happen to overheard some very ecstatic woman talking to her friend...uttering the phrase " you know girl there's an imagination line here"...and i was like..whoah.... wth is that??? is it a space wherein when you get passed there vivid things would spurt out of nowhere and you will be in a somewhat trantic state hehe ...i thought an image of spongbob doing that rainbow thinggy with his hands ..."imagination".

maybe i was just bored that there...and i was close to blurt out "hey! you ispik fluid inglish too,... no kidney...you understanding???" that would be too cruel nonetheless .

ano ba ang epekto kung meron kang depekto

2009-02-05T19:48:00.000+08:00

kung meron man o wala anu nman yun sayo?
kaya ka ba nandito dahil isa kang perpekto?
ang pagakakaalam ko e pareho lang tayo
wag kang mag angas kapal ng mukha mo

kita mo ba sa paningin ng ibang kilala mo
kasuklamsuklam na ang dulot nito sayo
wangis ng isang nagpupumilit maging demonyo
kasamaang walang patid , sagad hanggang buto

paano kaya kung ibaling ko ang mga ito sayo?
ng maranasan mo ang pait at sakit na dulot nito
kung isasantabi ko man ang aking napagisipang plano
makuha mo kayang tiisin ang mga sandali hanggang dulo?

kaya ano nga ba ang epekto kung di ka perpekto?
manatiling isang kaawa awang may depekto?
mag isip man ako ng tamang bagay na ipapayo
wala rin saysay yun kung para sa isang tulad mo

goodbye - the worst thing anyone can say to me

2009-02-04T11:23:00.000+08:00

this was inspired by the song - people get really drunk in las vegas by size 14...

Let`s rock
Good-bye, the worst thing
That she could say to me
She`s now a brand new chapter
In my book of agony
Gonna hop on a Greyhound bus
Gonna get the fuck out of here
To a place that never closes
And there`s lots of beer
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
They get wasted out of their mind
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
But that`s where I`ll be spending my time
Last call, there is none
Keep drinkin` `til God knows when
And the licquor`s always free
As long as you pretend that you`re gambling
Bartender I`ll take another
Gonna wash that bitch right out of my hair
Gonna drink to life all over
I just don`t care
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
They get wasted out of their mind
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
But that`s where I`ll be spending my time
How do you think it feels
Throwing up on the roulette wheel
Whatever it takes to forget you
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
They get wasted out of their mind
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
But that`s where I`ll be spending my time
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
They get really drunk in Las Vegas
Really fucking drunk in Las Vegas
But that`s where I`ll be spending my time

how i wish i was in vegas

shape shifting monstrosity

2009-02-03T08:32:00.000+08:00

i had a weird dream last night or better yet this morning...im not that sure if its due to the book that i read the time before i doze off or because im just really pissed about my brother wanting the lights to be shut off. anyhow back to the dream or nightmare or wateva, it started weird from the beginning..i was a freaking driver for a family i didnt know who runs or leads..it seems like a mafia and then came some of the henchmens..3 of them were guys and 1 is a female..all of them look silently sinister in a way..with glasses and all plus the black suits with red tie for the guys and red orange ones for the seductive and very deadly female. little did i know the time went by fast..as in very fast the next thing i knew i was driving them out for something in a cold night..into the abandoned asylum that i never heard of.. and then it was like i was told not to ask questions as they all went out of the black audi car..then something caught my eye as they shifted from their human form to something else...one became dog or wolf like thing i remembered he was don, then another became a black bear i forgot his name.. one became a bat a very big one it may seem like he's a size of a 5 year old toddler and the last one, marie became an eagle or it maybe a crow the size of an eagle the last one really creeps me out, although all of their eyes are blood red and they silently growl and maybe snarling for all i care yet i kinda seems to just let it go by unnoticed its like i am just a spectator and my body is on its own that day..what happen next was unexplanable..i just happen to be reading the newspaper to see that there were people who were inside that asylum..all found dead and every piece of their body were dismembered...a black bear died alongside those gruesomely scene. gossips and scandals were soaring across the media as everybody is talking about the massacre that happened. the next thing i knew was somebody new was being introduced to me...his eyes were like knives as his looks were like piercing everything i can sense the same bloodlust as i previously saw. nad he was a shape shifter too...darn..the hissing sound he made kinda blew the hint that he was one too..one of them.. a lot happen after all were a blur to me..what really sinked in was when i found out i was chained somewere and the three of the guys were guarding me..i also noticed that i am beaten to a pulp now...it felt hot. like i was taking a hot shower..although that shower was my blood..my eyes were nearly close as i saw the three shape shifting bastards who i think was the reason behind my condition smiling wickedly and sinister like..especially the new one.. he explained that he was the reason why the bear got killed and the other two just laugh as he was retelling the story.. the laughing ended when we all hear something...it was like a shriek cry of some sort...i then realized it was the lady eagle.. the looks on all of them suddenly change and became different..the mood has change and now they became alert and angry..the bat and the wolf like thing went out to look for the intruder and the new one just stay and sat down near me...he sat down as boastful as he can be and just waited...he somewhat knew that the two who went out wouldnt be enough to handle the intruder..then came the moment when the two have met..the fight would start by any minute or second now...the guy morphed into a snake..a big cobra..a venomous black cobra ready to strike anytime and the other a huge eagle...her wings flapped and a sudden gust of wind rushed..and a serious aura of bloodlust can be felt from the two of them...they were very alert and ready to strike and they look like they both are waiting for the other to make a move..and then...just when they both rushed in to fight head on...i woke up..damn.

nagsimula sa wala

2009-01-31T21:12:00.000+08:00

waw so hindi sya english ngayon..pakness...di rin sya tulang makatha or maikling kwento per kung babasahin mo man o hindi bahala ka na ..kung pananatiliin mo pa rin ang pagbasa mo nito e malamang nkalipas na ang ilang minuto pero sige ka pa rin syempre...sa simula pa lang nman e wala naman talaga akong nais banggitin o ihayag na kwento ng buhay ko or maganda o mabuting nangyari sa araw na ito...ooops erase erase erase madaling araw na pala kasi lampas hating gabi na at syempre heto na naman ang walang kawenta wenta at kalatoy latoy na babasahin na naiblog ko..bakit ko ba to nasulat? wala lang akong magawa trip ko...pake mo...kung gusto mo pumalag may comment page nman jan sa baba ilagay mo ung saloobin mo kung swerte ka malamang magreply ako..pero malaki rin ang pagkakataong babasahin ko lang yun...then thats it...ooops english un a..banyagang salita...tagalog theme nga pala ako pakshet ulit theme - tema pala dapat...so once again once more pakshet..ayoko na kailangan ko ng magpaghinga at mananaginip pa ko ng gising bukas bka sakalaing meron na ko ulit maisip na gawin para di nman parating ganito ang takbo ng utak at ng araw ko.. sa uulitn

-bow-

away to the heart now

2009-01-26T09:31:00.000+08:00

i spent the last minutes of my so called morning watching you
mesmerize by the looks from your eyes left me wondering
am i worth to be taking so much of her precious time
but the sight of her is so much intoxicating

i stare directly in her eyes
and then came her beautiful smiles
making her eyes more radiant than it usually were
its like im viewing heaven and im flying up above in the air

would i stay up late just to find you here again
and bidding you goodnight as you sleep
treasuring every moment just to see
you smiling back to me

Rain

2009-01-25T19:49:00.000+08:00

the clouds grew darker as minutes pass by
knowing any time drops of rain will touch me
following a series of sounds as raindrops fall on my hand
making me feel the cold cries of my dark clouds

the cold sends shivers down my spine
the feeling i detest from time to time
embracing it within as i try not to cry
another wasted moment as i let it pass by

Hurricane - A Murder of Crows

2009-01-16T07:30:00.000+08:00

Hurricane - A murder of Crows

Lyrics:

Wind and rain, the storm will wash

All the pain

Flooding up everything will never

Spare a living thing

Tonight

Hurricane

Come and take me away

All the lies you’ve said

Almost got into my head that night

* All these years I’ve denied myself

of what I really am

this is what I want and what you hate

But I don’t give a damn

Expecting all the pieces fall

Exactly into place

What I’ve built is crumbling

Crashing hail will waste the fort

That you made

All the lies you’ve said almost

Got into my head

That night

Hurricane

Come and take me away

All the lies you’ve said

Almost got into my head that night

shaking me up

2009-01-15T10:05:00.000+08:00

its five minutes till midnight last night, i really dont know what to do.. at one part of my mind im wondering how am i going to keep still while on the other im struggling to move on ahead.. its a very frustrating time whenever im in that mood..i resolve to just close my eyes and rethink of anything good or can be considered good that happened to me in the past few weeks..results?? dont even think about it..no matter what i do even it really makes my day at the end of it all it doesnt..its like im happy but no...not really..so shook me up...away from nothingness...away from all these frustrations...

as the clock strikes twleve

2009-01-07T01:49:00.001+08:00

so this is what they meant by growing old

i don't feel a thing nor a remorse

about the things that happen pass by me

these are some of the things that I have been told

as i watched the clock struck at midnight

just minutes after reading the twilight

a weird feeling went through me

as if it was the wind’s voice calling me

nevertheless i shook the tension and move

from my place i walk where i stood

wondering what that feeling was, i brood

and falter over things that I need to prove

i never thought that i would lose

over a battle that hasn’t even started

yet I shrug it off without an ease

cause i don’t want you to be please

*ps - today's supposed to be my birthday yet it really feels like an ordinary day..really for those who would bother with gifts im really looking forward to it lol i will be accepting gifts in the form of clothing, money, gift checks, checks, food, can goods, rice, and most importantly- in kind *wink

The Gig is on saturday!

2008-12-10T18:44:00.000+08:00

hey hope you can come to another night of music . It will occur at Freedom Bar Anonas QC on december 13, 2008 and would start at 6pm.

invite your friends! support 10cm hehe

In The Events To Follow

2008-12-04T01:36:00.000+08:00

why not try to look on the dark side of things?
yes you read it right. look on the dark side. when i say dark side i mean the bad side of things. the negative. the ugly, the blah.. and whatsoever. The bright side, knowing that it boost your morale, strengthens and making you happy can be a good thing but what if all of your plans and goals didn't come to your liking? would you dare sulk in the corner and weep? do you drown your problems in alcohol?? i mean come on get a life! the alcohol won't really do you any good. it would only makes your inhibitions lighter and thus enabling you to be more stupid and would cloud your judgment making you entirely vulnerable and very useless.

then back to my point, im not saying that you should only think of the negative outcome to everything, im just saying to atleast add the negative outcomes to it. its like your getting ready for almost anything right? Try for instance having only the positive outcomes come into something before making a desicion, then comes the heartbreaking news that what you ought for may be impossible to happen. then what would you get? - disappointment. maybe regret to if you came to a point that you wish you were prepared for the worst. why did i write this up? well i was kinda pissed off with a certain event that led me into blogging this nonsense and utterly absurd and pointless lit. a waste of time if i tell you. and if you are reading this, then by all means you are bored as i am. and if you are still continuing browsing this nonsense i bet you wish you could just be looking at piolo in his underwear and laughing your @$$ off that his ding dong is bulging.. and for more amusement i will be adding chocolate to this blog in relation to Mr. D's very intriguing and i somewhat can relate to post hehe

ciassu

the trouble with sleeping

2008-11-28T21:42:00.000+08:00

why do you i need to bother trying so hard to fall asleep
when in a minute or two i know sleep will come eventually
yet i lie in bed and still wide awake
sensing sounds from the noise that i make
"relax" i said to myself a couple of times
counting sheep that jumps over you a thousand times
and if i start reminiscing in vain
o god i think i might fall from bed again.

hindi ka mawawalan..at lalong hindi ka rin magkakaron.

2008-11-13T00:39:00.001+08:00

sarap isipin sa tagal ng pinagbuhusan mo ng pawis, effort, oras, tiyaga, at kung anu pa e mauuwi rin sa wala.

ganyan ang hirap kapag "charity" lang ang trabaho mo...lalo na sa larong basketball..

nasira na ang mamahalin mong bits wok (*beach walk)nadaya pa sa score, natamaan ka pa ng siko, balya, tulak at jabar ng mga kalaro nyong adik, lalo na kapag bumuka na ang bagwis**.(**siya yung isa sa mga nakalaro nila na parang hupaw na hupaw pa..para syang napariwara, bungal at may palawit na buntot yung buhok sa likod at kung tumira e parang phoenix sabi ni kuya eric kasi nkataas kasi yung isang paa hehe)

buti na lang panalo. muntik pang natalo kasi nkahabol pa ang mga katunggali.

ang mga panalo? syempre yung pumusta ng malaki. - chekwa.

ang mga talunan? - bekbek ( humingi pa ng balato kay chekwa...galit pa haha), kuya eric (ng unang game napilayan pa) buboy balane (charity lang ayun..hindi sya nawalan, hindi rin nagkaron.)

everything in stillness

2008-11-13T00:36:00.000+08:00

imagine yourself frozen in time

imagine everything around you having a fixed posture

imagine something that has been thrown in the air still levitating

imagine yourself standing still.

and then comes the wind teasing your desire to move

imagine as it touches your skin

as it caresses your hair

as it kisses your lips before it leaves..

having no power to move

having your will chained down

completely powerless, hopeless and in despair

wishing you were something else..just like the air.

a prisoner of time

bounded in invisible shackles that tie you down

fighting it wont do you any good

and enduring it would take forever.

so how does it feel when you are standing still

how does your body feel enduring every struggles

trying to move without moving an inch

embracing the pain when all you want to do was to run away

you break a sweat after some time

realizing your imagining all of this just to pass a while

you sit up straight, think and began to smile

a penny for your thoughts while your money is just a dime.

ay hup yur hapi

2008-10-09T10:05:00.000+08:00

sino naman ang matutuwa na ang agahan mo e sermon?

Kaunting Tulong Lang Po...

2008-10-08T23:12:00.000+08:00

My friend is selling his nintendo black DS lite.
it includes:
1. crystal casing with rubber protection (white rubber).
2. hand strap
3. charger
4. screen protectors (already applied).
games included:
1. Mario Pary DS
2. Yoshi's Island DS
3. NEW Super Mario Bros.
4. Mario Kart DS
5. Wario: Master of Disguise
6. Donkey Kong Jungle Climber
7. Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games
8. Sonic Rush
9. Spectrobes
10. Bomberman DS
11. Bomberman Land Touch!
12. Megaman ZX
13. Megaman ZX Advent
14. Metroid Prime: Hunters
15. Final Fantasy: Ring of Fates
16. Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
17. Guilty Gear: Dust Strikers
18. Spider-Man 3
19. Summon Night: Twin Age
20. Pokemon Diamond
21. Pokmon Pearl
22. Pokemon Ranger
there are additional games which he can add to the list for the price of Php20,000. all the games are in its original state( no copies) but if you don't like the games, the price is still negotiable.
unit/charger = 9-10k(negotiable)

if anyone is interested, please give him a message. thanks! hope it works out! ^_^
fs profile: http://profiles.friendster.com/74253170
ym: pat_sarabia21

pakispam na lang sa mga gusto :D

Paperplane Flying Anyone?

2008-10-08T12:05:00.000+08:00

another weird dream: paperplane flying as therapy???wtf?

mukhang kailngan ko ng magpatingin sa psychiatrist.. whehehe

Another Weird Start

2008-10-06T11:20:00.000+08:00

a weird dream to start the day..

ever had a weird dream that eventually you'd wake up and then forces yourself to sleep again just to see what would happen to that weird dream???

A part of me died last night

2008-10-04T00:43:00.000+08:00

something troubled me that night
something that blew me out of sight
my tears kept on falling, yes i cried
in the darkness of midnight a part of me died

should i just say goodbye?
and dont remember why i lie
i dont think i have more time
for im at the edge of the line

sometimes i want this to be through
in time i hope your lies would be true
i cannot think i'll finish this line
not again im running out of time

memories from childhood kept on flashing
i fall, for my knees were trembling and shaking
my face became distorted from shrieks and horror
i seem to have lost lost it and ran out the door

then i stop myself from believing
oh God please help me from breaking
weird hallucinations kept me from seeing
in a matter of seconds i stopped from breathing

for once i give in without a fight
it threw me sideways from left to right
i swear i never saw a blinding light
when a part of me died last night.

would she hate me, if she knew my shame

2008-10-02T13:40:00.001+08:00

lahat naman e may dirty little secrets eh.

Nokturnal tagalog blues

2008-09-30T22:11:00.000+08:00

hindi ako makatha alam ko nman yun,
pero sa palagay mo ba lahat ba ng tao e may kakayahang sumulat ng mga tulad nito?

Pila

ang isang mahabang pila..
nagsimula sa isa
na sinundan hanggang maging linya,
at unti-unting naging sawa

ngalay na ang binti sa pagkakatayo
isang oras na ang nakalipas
hindi pa rin masyadong nakakalayo
isang pulgada lang ang nailagpas

sa bawat hakbang na napapalapit
noo't braso kapwa namamawis
"ilang saglit na lang" ito ang sambit
sobra ang init kaya't panyo'y ikiniskis

batid na ang kapaguran sa init ng hapon
pinagdadasal na makarating sa dako paroon
ngunit binigyan ka ng isang masakit na alaala
pagdating sa dulo mayroon ulit isang pila.

*wala talagang magandang nangyari ngayong araw na to,
halaos buong araw akong nakatayo at nakapila..
tara pila ka na rin malay mo makasingit ka pa.

Sinong Bestfriend Mo Doon?

2008-09-26T22:25:00.000+08:00

lets go back in time
teng neneng...
"..wont you take me to funky town.."

habang dinodownload ko ang disaster movie (palabas na di ko alam kung malinaw na ba o hindi maganda ba o parang superhero movie lang) naisipan kong magbalik tanaw..

background music...in 3-2-1..pasok!
napaisip ako ng mga lumang mga tag line ng mga commercials na pinalabas nuon na para bang linta,kuto o kung anu man na naaalala mo pa rin kahit ano pang pilit mong sabihing hindi (unless di mo naman talaga napanuod yun) XD

natatandaan mo pa ba ang mga malulupit na commercial at jingle sa SEIKO (*seiko seiko wallet, ang wallet na maswerte, balat nito ay gi-nyu-wayn, international pa ang mga design ang wallet na maswerte...seiko seiko wallet!!!")o bagsik ng DRAGON KATOL (*dragon katol, dragon kung umusok..lamowk siguradong teypok!") na ineendorse ng isang kanong cowboy wehehe, at kung may tamang trip ka pwede mo ring paghaluin ang theme song ng FAMILY TOOTHPASTE at FAMILY RUBBING ALCOHOL...tutal e magkapamilya naman sila... wehehe insert " Mother, Father, Brother, Sister how do you brush your teeth? with FAMILY RUBBING alcohol, hindi lang pampamilya, pang isports pa!" at walang kamatayang "Iodized salt, iodized salt, mag-iodized salt tayo.." ni LA Lopez (*the gayish kid who sang yakap) pwede rin ang nano nano candy jingle pamparelax sau
nano nano nano nano nano nano nano...(*background puro ganun) sabay hirit ng lead singer- oh nano nano you drive me crazy, i really love what you do to meee,.. sweet sour and salty nano nano..nano nano..nano nanoooooo" sa umaga milo ang laklakin kasabay ng jingle na pang motivate..."great things start from small beginning..growing up with milo the olympic energy drink! i need my milo today...milo today...milo milo everyday.." si lea salonga daw ang kumanta nyan huwaw...

pati labada ininvade na rin..."laba dami...labango..." kung alam mo ang title waw astig ka parey! sa toothpaste pala hindi papatalo ang beam..kaya mo bang kantahin ang jingle nila ng hindi ngumimiti? "B-E-A-M Beam smile...smile kami pag beam, beam na beam ngiti protectado...panalo sa presyo, panalo pag beam. ten tenenen ten "you want to know what happens in a bag of nips before they my lips they make a rainbow...a choco rainbow...(chocolate nips!).. and they color all the flowers and they paint the trees...sweet and delicious look at all those bees....when i want fun i get a bag of nips and make rainbow!!! Nips Nips " nawawalan ng kwenta ng jingle ng wow paksiw n pinapakita sa wowowee kapg hiniritan na natin ito ng "kay tagal mo ng nwala..babalik ka rin..." by gary v for the duty free commercial..

sabado nanaman.."isang araw(tulog daw sabi ng iba) na lang, jollibee nanaman, ang araw lulubog..bukas mabubusog...sa chicken joy manok at yum burger bilog...i hate you sabado pati na rin linggo, naospital ako pati ang mami ko...panis na ispageti handog ng jollibee" haha ito yung kinakanta ng mga bata samin after the food poisoning incident regarding the spoiled spaghetti na naserve sa siang branch ng jabee.. di mo pa rin ba maalala? alugin pa natin ang utak mo..

i even remember the chubby kid who fantasize about carlo (patrick garcia i think) who wrote in her diary that she saw carlo today, he was so cute, sabi nya im pretty kaya lang im fat i eat too much kasi eh..kaya ngayon...good bye spaghetti, goodbye ice cream, good bye hotdog(purefoods tj) ...*sighs* (crosses hotdog)..good bye carlo! Sabay lamon., o yeah..

at pag may time ako uupload ko ang mga commercial ng encarnacion bechavez, RA Homevision (yung may ET haha), yung OA na may linyang "ayokong maging duk-haa...", mimiflo, bonbon! cologne, pati na rin ang ad ng TKO! tubig! Kubeta! Oresol!
at ang sagot ko sa title ko:

syempre ikaw lang... :D

lets not wait till the water runs dry

2008-09-25T19:13:00.000+08:00

thursday:

ang bilis ng oras tarsdey na pala di ko man lang namalayan,
kung sabagay kung puro tulog, kain, pc, txt, kain, ligo, bihis, ihi, tae, kain tulog kain ang routine mo di mo nga talaga mamamalayan ang pagtakbo ng oras.

sinimulan ko ang aras sa pamamagitan ng pagppsp. o yeh, malapit ko ng mamaster ang wrk time fun haha konti na lang ang mali ko sa chick sorting at pendemonium...

at ng nabagot ako ng mga 1-2 am, ngbasa ako ng ebook- invisble monsters - chuck palahniuk; at nagpaikot ikot ako sa kama kasi hindi ako makatulog...mga 5am tinamaan din ako ng antok at ako'y nahimbing.

12 ng tanghali ako nagising kasabay ng pagbuhos ng malakas na ulan sa labas..masarap matulog..malamig kasi hehe...

pagkabangon ko nghilamos, kumain at binuksan ko ang pc. daily routine. the usuals. para na kong robot. paksyet.

ngconvert ako ng pelikula para may mapanuod na bago sa psp ko. movie of choice death race at oo crush ko yung lead girl dun hehe she's steaming hot,,, sarap from harap, she also looks good from likud. :p XD

parang ayaw tumigil ng ulan...7:24 na ngaun at tinatamad akong kumain pero kailangan..

bukas uulan kaya?
ano pa kaya mangyayari sa buhay ng isang tambay?

abangan..

i'd like to thank my shoes.

thank you shoes.

daily rants and you know what

2008-09-24T19:07:00.000+08:00

starting today im reviving this blog i might add a few changes to it everynow and then giving the chance hehe and of course intercourse kung sisipagin akong iedit ang aking inaalikabok na blog.

try ko sana mgpost ng shaider theme song dati kaso pnalabas ang zaido at nwalan na ko ng interest magpost pa hehe

lovingly yours,
roachy

p.s. mwah mwah tsup tsup wag na kayong magspam sa comment section